What do you do when your mother is the boogeyman?
When the woman who birthed you is somehow the enigma that you’re afraid of–but everyone tells you it’s your imagination, how do you deal?
On Saturday, Iyanla: Fix My Life dealt boldly with three generations of a toxic mother/daughter relationship that felt eerily close to home for so many women in the black community.
Why is speaking out against the abuse from a black mother synonymous to the blasphemy of God? When a girl grows up in a household where she’s accustomed to disrespect, emotional abuse and constant torment, what baggage will that woman carry along the way?
Toxic communication is then transferred and practiced in all of her relationships.
This is how we have generations of women abusing their daughters. This is how we have women coming out of the home broken with little to no self-worth. If your own mother doesn’t like you, how are you to like yourself?
When the same hand that helps you, is the same hand the hurts you, you will go out into the world with a distorted view of love.
When the confusion of why your own mother hates you sets in, abuse from others will look like affection.
Think about this: when you’re hurt by someone you love, you automatically look at your own faults to justify why they may have hurt you. Now think about the guilt that comes with you not liking your own mother.
“How dare you? You’re ungrateful. You have an attitude problem. You’re crazy! What kind of woman doesn’t like her own mother? That’s pure evil!” Sound familiar?
So now you have confusion, guilt, hurt on top of hurt all stemming from your SHE-ro, your personal super woman who makes meals and holidays happen when no one does, but you can’t stand her and the feelings are mutual, so now what?
From the comments and the common thread that these aren’t isolated agendas, but an actual epidemic in our community, tells me something more should but done.
Yet, this toxicity can’t be regulated. We can’t protest against mothers, we can’t sign petitions against the mistreatment of girls in the home.
Many women say to pray, many more have left home prematurely only to muddle through life with a distant relationship with their mother while others perpetuate the cycle by being emotionally abusive to their own.
While I don’t have the answers, I know that we are our own solution.
I know that creating spaces for empowering conversations for the sake of healing and redemption is a viable start.
But how many mothers are willing to admit that they ruined their own daughters? How many mothers will ask for forgiveness? How many mothers will help heal themselves and the shell of the woman they created?
I’m A Comeaux and I’m here to spark the conversation to support the necessary healing we all need.
A Comeaux is the writer, speaker and actor who poetically paints pictures of life and love with a paradoxical perspective. Follow her on Twitter @KCOSpoke
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