"I'm 44-years-Old and I've Never Been With a Man Who Was Worth the Long Haul"

"I'm 44-years-Old and I've Never Been With a Man Who Was Worth the Long Haul"
Toni D. Bailey

Editor’s Note: We ran across Toni D. Bailey’s post on Facebook, and we were so compelled by her authenticity that we asked her to share it with you. We share our stories in the name of service, and we hope Toni’s story is helpful to you. -Zondra

By Toni D. Bailey

My temp is 99. My head feels like it’s about to bust and my stomach is in knots.

I have a million things on my mind and to top it off, I know I’m still suffering from heartbreak.

I’m so sick of people telling me to get over it, to go out with someone else, or to have sex with someone…

I’ve made such mistakes in my past. I’m older and wiser now. I have no interest in padding my pain with a free meal or an empty lay. That’s not who I am. It wasn’t who I am even when I was suffering from low self-esteem and chose to “act out” to cover my pain.

I am a 44-year-old woman and I’ve never been in a completely healthy, loving and trusting relationship. I’m 44-years-old and I’ve never been with a man who felt I was worth the long haul.

Yes, I’ve been married but even that was built on a cracked foundation.

I’m by no means perfect but I know I’m worth loving. I’m worth someone feeling like I am deserving of them walking through the sunshine, rain and fire for. I give EVERYTHING when I love someone.

I’m not perfect. I am definitely flawed in some areas. But I acknowledge my mistakes, I apologize when I’m wrong, and I trust until I am given a reason not to.

The past three months have been a roller-coaster ride. I have felt every emotion. I’ve come to realizations about friends and family members. I’ve discovered new things about myself.

I am single. I am not afraid to be alone…I’m doing it daily. But I refuse to be that woman who puts on fronts for the world as if she is so strong, doesn’t need a man, doesn’t want a man, doesn’t need anyone but God, and loves doing everything with her girls.

Not me.

That’s a big load of crap! I don’t care how strong I am. Even though I refuse to be with anyone just for the sake of saying I have someone, I will never lie to you and say that being alone feels good.

The shit sucks.

I have been sick for seven days and have no significant other to call. Yes, I have friends and family but nothing makes a woman feel better than a man (in my world).

I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. What I want is for the people who are cheating on or mistreating the people who love them, I want you to stop. Finding someone who is going to love you no matter what and always have your back is no easy task. It’s rare.

Some of you are getting ready to lose the best thing that ever happened to you because you don’t know how to fight temptation.

Some of you are getting ready to lose the best thing that ever happened to you because you choose not to appreciate the good in a person, and you are so focused on seeing only the negative.

Don’t forgo your blessing for bullshit.

I know my day is coming for that healthy relationship that I deserve; but some of you already have it.

Do what you need to do to keep it.

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