This weekend I had the opportunity to see Zane’s new movie “Addicted.” I must say it was well put together and closely resembled the book which for me is always a plus. However, as the movie goers laughed and talked loudly to the screen as so many do especially during opening weekend, I couldn’t help but identify. Although Zoe is a fictional character, there is real pain associated with this type of behavior along with a sincere commitment to live differently.
Although I wouldn’t categorize my first sexual experience as traumatic, I WAS extremely young, it was at the hands of a female family member and the feeling she gave me was one that I began to crave from then on. Masturbating and play with other girls was my drug of choice until losing my virginity at 16. Since then I have had sex with a lot of men. I am not at all bragging about this fact but it’s a truth that I have chosen to be honest about instead of living in shame. I was never diagnosed with sex addiction but I remember chasing the high that I felt whenever I was with someone new. I remember craving the new personality, the new body and the difference my body would feel whenever there was a new sexual experience. I remember creating a list of men who were my desire then adding them to my other list of accomplished conquest. There were times that I had sex with more than one new man in a week; sometimes two in one night.
One of my closest male friends told me that I was a man trapped in a woman’s body. After marriage, my own husband even told me once that I was masculine for initiating sex. Like many women, I had been conditioned to believe that ONLY MEN love sex. Here I was in a relationship where I should’ve been able to explore and feel comfortable with my desires yet I felt dirty and abnormal. For years I felt like damaged goods. I downplayed my desires hiding behind every excuse from Christendom to a bad marriage. The real truth however is that although my marriage was falling apart, my sexual desires were alive and strong!
After a brief setback after the dissolution of my marriage, I realized how serious this issue is. Deep down was I really craving intimacy outside of sex? This is possible. Since then I’ve made a true commitment to value and honor myself by walking in my truth. The truth is I desire to be with one man in a committed relationship that goes far beyond sex. My truth is also that I love sex and I want to have lots of it and I no longer feel dirty for feeling that way. Of course, I have to be extremely careful that men see me for what’s in my heart, what’s between my ears and not what’s between my legs. Sometimes I often wonder if a man can REALLY take me seriously accepting the fact that although I love sex, I have a lot more to offer.
Today, instead of being bound by shame due to the acts of my past or my current feelings, I write about it. Writing for me is therapeutic. Although my healing is unconventional, it works for me. I’m not sleeping around and I actually have no desire to jump from man to man. My sexual desires still exist but I feel totally in control of what once seemed like an uncontrollable situation. Women, you don’t have to suffer in silence, feel shame or hide the many aspects of your sexuality. It is very important that you know your worth and choose to share this side of you within the walls of the RIGHT relationship but please free yourself of all guilt and shame.
I promise…you are NOT alone!
About Shemeka Michelle: “I was that chick. Gave it all up, all of it. I put all my eggs in one basket. Didn’t have a plan B ‘cause I believed in plan A. Then one day, all of it came to an end. All I could do was take it. I’m a survivor with 3 kids I HAD to make it! So instead of dying from pain and hiding in shame, I’ve decided to get NAKED.” www.nakedgirlzblog.com
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