Guest blogger DJ Vince Adams is Presidential Director at ViSalus Body By Vi™ Challenge and a multi-talented DJ, who knows a thing or two about relationships. We’re reposting Vince’s guest blog because what he has to say is that important.
Ladies, Watch Your Tone by Vince Adams.
In this post-“Sex In The City,” age we can agree that women have become more adept at speaking their minds.
It’s been my observation that the 21st Century has been the era of women “keeping it real.” It seems that women who at some point were meek are now assertive, assertive women are now bold and bold women have become brazen. That’s a good thing and I’m glad that society in general is opening up to more open and forward communication from women. The flaw in this “movement” is that sometimes, “it’s not always what you say, but how you say it,” is forgotten when you communicate.
Unfortunately, there’s a lot more talking and a lot less listening taking place with women these days, take note that we have one mouth and two ears for a reason.
I’m not a relationship therapist, but my observations, experiences and objective desire to see progress in male/female connections have armed me with some unique perspectives, and I hope that the words shared here can be of benefit to you or someone dear to you.
Before I say anything, let’s agree on something: there are tired, shiftless, lying, irresponsible, untrustworthy, manipulative and dishonest men in the world. Great!! We can all agree on that, but that’s not the subject of this entry. Not to exonerate them, but we must understand that women are the spiritual and nurturing pulse of this “man/woman thing.” Without women understanding their role in being leaders, the ship will never be righted.
This topic is for the ladies.
For the sake of conversation, let’s remove male/female relationships out of the scope of discussion. It literally amazes me to see the lack of truth, solidarity and respect that goes on between women these days. There are instances where women will intentionally step to a man that she knows is not available. There are instances where women who call themselves friends resent or flat-out don’t like one another. Even worse, there are women who call themselves close friends who cannot honestly share thoughts or observations about one another because “you know how she is.” The discussion will take place about the woman, but not with the woman because as Jack Nicholson would say “she can’t handle the truth!!”
The irony in this era of “keeping it real” is that many ladies seem to be able to keep it real about everything from men, to their job, to other women, but there isn’t much effort being made to keep it real about their own growth and self-development (or lack thereof).
What does any of this have to do with the subject “Watch your tone?.”
It has everything to do with it. How you speak is a direct reflection of your character, your posture and your values. Think of the most secure person you know and contrast their behavior with the most insecure person you can think of. I would guess in 97 out of 100 cases that the way they speak and carry themselves is a direct reflection of their personality and behavior. If this is the type of behavior and rhetoric that is taking place in woman-to-woman relationships, do you suppose that this mysteriously goes away when a man enters the picture?
My point is that if male/female connections are going to improve, if the tone that women exhibit is going to move to a progressive place, there must be a stripping away of the “pseudo-macho” keeping it real phase and an introduction of the “I need to be open to learning about my weaknesses,” keeping it real phase.
That type of keeping it real requires some long, hard conversations with people you value to get closer to some potentially uncomfortable truths. In short, the answers that we seek are very close to us. The question is, are we willing to have the raw, stripped-down conversations with exes, close friends and family to get an understanding of adjustments that can be made to operate at our highest potential?
In closing, we agree that men have a long way to go, but this isn’t about men.
I encourage every woman seeking a healthy and progressive relationship to ask herself these questions: “Am I willing to hear the unfiltered truth from friends, family and ex-boyfriends that I respect, about ways that I can become a better person? Can I honestly listen without defense and look to tighten up some things that may need improvement?”
A funny thing happens when you work on yourself, you don’t have that much time to have an opinion about what’s wrong with other people – you realize that’s not your concern. It’s an instant tone-regulator, try it sometime – it just may bring about the internal peace that inherently brings about a collaborative tone as opposed to a conflicting one.
Thank you for your time and as I say – “we all we got” – let’s learn more, so we can do better.
For more information on DJ Vince Adams on Twitter.
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Tags: @sixbrownchicks, DJ, DJ Vince Adams, How to Keep Your Relationship, Love, men, relationship questions, relationships, sex questions, six brown chicks, tone, ViSalus Body By Vi™ Challenge, what men want, women