An Open Letter to The Person Who "Squeezed" Into a Parking Spot... and Hit My Car.

An Open Letter to The Person Who "Squeezed" Into a Parking Spot... and Hit My Car.

To Whom It May Concern,

First off, let me start off by introducing myself as the gentleman whose new Volkswagen you (repeatedly) scratched while attempting to squeeze all 201.2 inches of your Honda Odyssey into a space with room for only 199. Had you have taken an additional moment to look directly ahead of my vehicle, you would have noticed that a quarter of a block of unoccupied curb, anxiously awaited your arrival. As a fan of physics, I certainly applaud you for trying to bend space and time in an effort to decrease the size of your vehicle by over two inches, however your futile attempt left my vehicle (as well as the one parked behind you) wearing your paint and scratches as a shameful “badge” of your failure.

Perhaps it didn’t occur to you, but there are a staggering number of individuals who actually prefer the appearance of a scratch-free vehicle to one that looked to have been driven by J-Lo. Maybe you were misled by the term “bumper,” and didn’t realize that they were created with sole purpose to prevent injury in a low speed collision and not serve as a means to force objects out of your way? Whatever the justification for your arrogance might be, one fact remains- You are simply inconsiderate and lack respect for the property of other people.

Further evidence of the above statement was supported when I “passionately vocalized” my displeasure to you (as you made one final turn into my vehicle), but you consciously decided to avoid making eye contact or even acknowledged my existence. Granted, I was a bit disenchanted at that particular moment and might have made some derogatory comments about your mother, but still I find your irresponsibility almost as deplorable as your utter cowardice. If you were in fact conducting a scientific experiment to see if you can fit more mass into a smaller footprint, then might I suggest next time, you attempt to parallel park your van within the opening of your anal sphincter? Personally, I think that would be a much more applaudable challenge that might actually nab you a Fundamental Physics Prize, along with YouTube immortality.

Frankly, whatever you decide to do with your van is none of my business, but I will kindly ask that you please consider the other people around you and their property. After all, it’s not just the appearance of your vehicle that gets defiled by your apathy- its your (and everyone else’s) insurance rates that get negatively impacted as well. I truly hope this letter changes the way you think about parking and that you will share this message as opposed to your paint- with those around you.


Johnny “Bones” Basile

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