September and October always seem to be primetime for marathons and half-marathons across the Midwest. I don’t run marathons, so how do I know this? Because EVERYONE running one is constantly reminding you of their feat like they just came up with the algorithm for Facebook (topical joke). Newsflash Marathon Runners, ANYBODY can run a marathon. All you need is a desire for a hobby so badly you are willing to train for the sole purpose of running 26.2 miles and coming in 8958th place at the Chicago Marathon… and $90. Look, if you want to run a marathon or, if you are a puss, a half marathon, that’s awesome. Go for it. Just don’t tell me about it with an aura of smugness like you just graduated Med School. Without further ado, here are the top 5 things I hate about marathonites.
(Check out the follow up post: 5 More Things to Hate about Marathon Runners)
5. Runner’s Goo:
Maybe I’m crazy, but if I was making the turn from mile 14 to 15, I would assume I’d rather reach out and grab a cup of water instead of squeezing liquid chocolate flavored goo into my mouth. How can that not make you vomit? And how much can it possibly work? Because marathonites treat this stuff like Popeye treats spinach. I’m not buying it. I just think it is some stunt by the running companies to see how willing marathonites are to buy stuff to prove they are the ultimate runner.
4. Fat Runners:
How can people who fully train for a marathon still be fat? Oh yeah, because if you are running 15 minute miles, you aren’t exactly ripping through calories. And fat marathonites constantly make you put your foot in your mouth. The fatty approaches you and says “I am training for the marathon,” to which you reply, based off their physique, “oh yeah? When do you start?” And then fatty hits you with the bomb, “I am trained, the marathon is next week.” I have to imagine it is a lot like accidently asking a married lady who recently put on weight when the baby is due.
3. Short Male Runner Shorts:
You know the guy. He is going through a mid-life crisis and instead of getting a divorce or a sports car, he decides to pick up distance running. Cool. Of course, he can’t just throw on New Balances, mesh shorts and a t-shirt. No, he has to get the full outfit: dry-fit tank-top, weird looking mesh hat, and, of course, shorts that show 80% of their thigh. God forbid we only have to see 50% of your disgusting middle-aged thigh. It would totally mess up your “pace.” Because if you wore mid-thigh shorts instead you would totally run that marathon in 4:24.50 instead of 4:24.20. (Sidenote: Another douche phrase marathonites use: “pace.” Just tell me how fast you run your average mile.)
2. Still Going to the Bar Runners:
You and the rest of your slob friends are at the bar, getting drunk (because that is what you do at bars) when a young lady or gentleman walks in and you notice they are not drinking. Someone inevitably asks them the logical question, “Dude, why aren’t you drinking?” The question the marathonite has been jonesing to be asked all night; the entire reason they went to the bar. So, the douche runner responds, “because I am training for the marathon and I have a 16-miler tomorrow.” Really? You do? So why aren’t you home watching a movie? Or hanging out with your douche runner-group? Oh yeah. Because you want all of us to know how awesome your self-discipline is. I think I am going to drive my car 6mph alongside one of those runner groups and blast club music as I drink just so they can know how it feels.
1. “26.2” Bumper Sticker:
Once the marathon is completed, how can the marathonites keep reminding us of their greatness? By buying these annoying bumper stickers that just say “26.2.” Smug bumper stickers for smug people. They might piss me off more than the Darwin Fish bumper stickers. I can just imagine passing a Subaru on the highway armed with a bike rack and one of those dumbass stickers plastered on the back. Seriously, have you ever seen one of the “26.2” bumper stickers on a car that was not a Prius or a Subaru.