Five pirate books for the perverted reader


The Red Rover by James Fenimore Cooper

Pirate Red Rover takes a young man and two women prisoner until a battle with another pirate. As an added bonus, interesting phrases such as “we have been rubbing up recollections on the cruise” appears, in this case in reference to sitting up late at night with a parson. Hey-oh!

“But the shock passed, on the instant, leaving him erect, and seemingly firm as ever, and certainly with no evidence of mortal weakness that human eye could discover.”

“As the eye of Wilder roamed over the swelling, erect and triumphant figure, it was difficult not to fancy that even the stature had been suddenly and unaccountably increased.”


Captain Blood by Rafael Sabatini

Pirate high-seas adventure which would later be a film
with Errol Flynn. The book also offers up the term “a leathern thong” and plenty of other gems. I’m
just saying.

“The Governor seemed to shed his chubbiness. He drew himself stiffly erect.”

“…who now thrust himself upon Captain Blood, with a proposal of association, offering him not only his sword…”

Robinson Crusoe.jpg

Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe

Based on the true story of island-stranded pirate
Alexander Selkirk’s rescue. Bonus raunch: The snicker-worthy canoe-making scene about working the wood.

“…it amazed me to see with what dexterity and how swift my man Friday could manager her, turn her, paddle her…”

went in to him he would sit down by him, open his breast, and hold his
father’s head close to his bosom for many minutes together, to nourish
it; then he took his arms and ankles…”



The Gold Bug by Edgar Allen Poe

coast treasure hunting and general backstabbiness while perfectly
creepy and mysterious in all the right ways. Yet, I honestly expected
far more hidden smut from Poe. And, trust me, I really looked.
I mean, it’s Poe for crying out loud; he married his cousin! When she
was but thirteen years old! Eh well, no matter: The freaky I did find
was freaky enough with imaginary thrusting parts and such:

“Upon my consenting, he thrust it forthwith…”

“But I was sorely put out by the absence of all else–of the body to my imagined instrument…”


Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson

called the original classic of pirate literature, Treasure Island is
the story of a young man who finds a treasure map, follows is to South
America and is faced with pirate Long John Silver. It’s also filled
with unintentional smut for the filthy-minded reader including the
characters Mr. Hands and
Dick Johnson. I’m not kidding.

was so much startled that I struggled to withdraw; but the blind man
pulled me close up to him with a single action of his arm.”

“The rogues looked at each other, but swallowed the home-thrust in silence.”


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  • Made my day with this post, Amy. YAR!

  • In reply to ClarkBender:

    Ha, thanks! It was a fun post to write.

  • In reply to ClarkBender:

    Good stuff Amy,a little too clean for me maybe, but funny.

  • In reply to ClarkBender:

    Memories of stolen moments with a forbidden copy of "Fanny Hill" bounded back into my brain after reading those excerpts. Ah, ye olde porne.

  • In reply to ClarkBender:

    Probably one of the funniest posts I've read across the network so far. Great job Amy :)

    Funny story about pirates: We had a professor at my university who had a wooden leg and an eye patch sp while I was working at NSIT (network security and information technology) we designed anti-piracy posters using him as our mascot and put them up in all the dorms.

  • In reply to ClarkBender:

    Tony- "Swallowed the home-thrust" is too clean?

    Jason- I was *just* talking about that book the other day. Where did you keep your smuggled copy when you were a kid? (I'm assuming this was a childhood story and not a "last weekend" story. I could be wrong...)

    Muhammad- Thanks! And re: the posters? Hilarious. Do you have a copy?

  • In reply to AmyGuth:

    I'm so glad I found them! You can see the entire collection of posters or take a look at the pirate one.

    Oh and in case you think it's photoshopped, here's Paul Sally's Wikipedia page. There's a photo and the information reads, "Sally has been a type 1 diabetic since he was fifteen. He wears an eye patch and has two prosthetic legs, which has caused him to be widely referred to as "Professor Pirate", and "The Math Pirate" around the University of Chicago campus."

  • In reply to AmyGuth:


    ... And now I return to The Princess Bride where the Dread Pirate Roberts continues to pursue Buttercup and free her from Prince... uh, Humperdink.

  • In reply to AmyGuth:


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