Bad Poetry Day: can you write Chicago's worst poem?

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Bad Poetry Day is tomorrow! To celebrate, I’m asking you, readers dear, to write me the worst poem in Chicago. The worst! I mean a really, really crummy poem. It can be sappy, it can be cheesy, it can be funny, it can be all of the above just as long as it is a bad poem. I want the worst of the worst!
The absolute worst of Chicago’s bad poems will be featured in tomorrow’s post. To enter your bad poem, you must use one word from each of the following lists, which my coworkers, fellow ChicagoNow bloggers and Twitter followers were kind enough to help assemble:

List 1: trite, hot (also acceptable: hawt), delicious, fierce, scruffy, windy, arboreal, giant, sticky, excitedly

List 2: Chicago, Dickinson, Wednesday, HP sauce, Winnetka, Spock, Melvin, iPhone, Twitter, Dr. McGillicuddy

List 3: snake, toothpaste, big-ass monitor, toupee, gerbil, table, Academy Award for Best Animated Feature, cookie, rowboat, coffee

List 4: insinuate, skip, tweet, deactivate, fluttering, leap, bites, sleeping, run, thinking

Bonus points, of course, if you can manage to use more than one word from each list. Happy (bad) writing! Leave your bad poem here in the comments section and
check in tomorrow for the unveiling of the very worst of Chicago’s bad
poetry. Ready? Set. Go!

Filed under: events

Tags: @frontdoor, holidays, poetry


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  • Title: I love you Oprah: a sonnet

    Do you think I

  • In reply to AnnaPulley:

    you're my hero all over again Anna!

  • In reply to FernandoDiaz:

    i was your hero before? you have to tell me these things, fernando! preferably in poem form.

  • In reply to FernandoDiaz:

    Awaken by your delicious kiss my fierce heart surviving with it's beat and constant flitter,
    Anticipating my fingers tapping my iPhone to tweet my happiness to all 1,932 followers on Twitter

    Your body moving like a snake in water reminding me of our romantic rowboat weekend ride
    Reassuring me the leap of faith I took was definitely love and not just a fools pride

  • In reply to FernandoDiaz:

    Hot, sticky, muggy day.
    Thighs stick to CTA bus seat
    Sweat mingles with other residue
    Coffee spills, other people's perspiration
    I love you, Brittney

    Coughs fill the air
    inside the metal tube
    H1N1, not a game of Bingo this.
    I Tweet my love to Lindsey
    I need you, you video kook
    Spell my name correctly when you win the
    Academy Award for Best Animated Feature
    You accepting kudos for your portrayal of
    Bipsy the Lovelorn Snake in Disney's
    "Adam and Eve - The Movie".

    Baby drools down the back of my neck
    as I sit and send love texts
    to Gwen on my iPhone
    Sticky, long strand of baby saliva
    from my nape to its mouth.
    Should I tweet this?

    My stop.
    I stand to get off
    leaving some of me
    on the bus seat.


  • In reply to FernandoDiaz:


    Delicious cookie
    In small bites, excitedly
    Hot, like sticky goo

    When mixed with coffee
    Fierce pain results, feels just like
    Gerbil in my gut

    Use iPhone to call
    Dr. McGillicuddy
    Thinking he can help

    Winnetka office
    Says he's sleeping late today
    "See you next Wednesday"

    They insinuate
    That I have a bad toupee
    "Take care, it's windy!"

    I send out a tweet
    Calling doc a giant snake
    Now he might sue me

    I deactivate
    My Twitter account, skip town,
    To run from the law

    Leap into rowboat
    Taking only my toothpaste
    And Mr. Spock ears

    My cousin Melvin
    Says I can use his treehouse
    I think I'll be safe

    Birds fluttering by
    My arboreal refuge
    It's scruffy, but safe

    Dinner? I eat crow
    Smothered in some HP sauce
    I miss Chicago

    Two more things I'll miss
    I have no table, nor my
    Big-ass monitor

    As this trite verse shows
    I'm hardly a Dickinson
    Won't make me famous

    But maybe I'll win
    An Academy Award
    I've got this cartoon

    Nominated for
    Best Animated Feature
    Do I have a chance?

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Once again I bow
    at the feet of the haiku
    master, unworthy!

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    On Wednesday, I run
    in the park

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    My giant snake moves ever so slowly; you follow the video camera trained upon him with your big-ass monitor. Yeah, you do. You watch him excitedly, ever so aware of just how hot and sticky the room has become. Your heart is fluttering; you feel it skip a beat, imagining the snake making a mighty leap, thinking that if he bites your tiny gerbil, your cries would surely alarm the neighbors. As these delicious Wedensday-afternoon dreams roam through your mind while you drink coffee at your table, you long to Twitter this idle fantasy. Let the people know!! From Chicago to Winnetka, let them insinuate what they will about this dream. They will call it trite and tell you to take toothpast and wash your dirty mouth for even uttering this thought on your iPhone: pay them no heed. As your stroke your rowboat through the river of this fantasy, you will get your cookie in the end.

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Here is a sonnet. 14 lines, 10 syllables per line, free verse.

    Wednesday Morning in Chicago
    A sonnet by Kenneth Lapins

    Atop fierce, windy arboreal streets
    Chicago blackbirds twitter on Wednesday
    While river-goers enjoy a cookie
    And some coffee in a rowboat that morn.
    A snake: river insinuates city,
    While fluttering above the blackbirds tweet.
    Taxi makes a sleeping policemen leap
    He bites his lip thinking, "Should I run?
    "Catch that toupee-wearing gerbil driver!"
    Dr. McGillicuddy-stoned giants
    Go back to watching big-ass monitors
    Excitedly for the score of the Cubs.
    "Scruffy outfielders out dere, eh?" one says.
    Another checks his iPhone for the Sox.

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Me as the Giant Rowboat Saving the Jack Dawson

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Leave a comment...

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Goin' Nawth

    She said
    that it was so hawt down in Alabama,
    and fiery, windy, giant hurry-canes
    were fixing to hit shore on Wednesday.
    Wadn't safe to get in no rowboat
    so she said she was heading out
    for the Windy City. She ain't never been
    nawth before, and she was covered,
    really covered with mosquito bites,
    and she thought the wind up there
    on the lake would blow them off her,
    and she laughed, chuckled, snickered,
    went ha ha and he he and said
    "Chick-in-the-car, and the car
    won't go," and she patted her hubby
    on his toupee, patted him awake
    and said: "Sugar lump, Cookie,
    my little gerbil let's head
    to Springfield. I'll drive
    while you tweet our friends,
    your hear. Tell 'em, 'Hey yall,
    we're gittin' out of this here
    snake-infested, moccasin-ridden
    swamp land where it's blowin'
    like Aunt Mable chawin' on her bubble gum,
    blowing like a Rhino in the Brookfield zoo.
    We can do 'Venetian Nights'
    and play like we're on our Honeymoon.


  • In reply to EdNickow:

    On a hot, sticky, fierce August day
    The Mayoral snake oil salesman did say
    I've been doing some thinking
    Our economy's sinking
    So I grant you all time off without pay
    Fluttering branches, they'll wait
    for arboreal work another date
    Melvin's off, library books are late
    No Dr McGillicuddy at the free clinic
    Cuz of those taxpayer cynics!
    So now we're up that proverbial creek
    Our rowboat has one giant leak
    Even the big ass (hiring) monitor can't save us
    I know Reality bites, but gimme the Olympics I seek!

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Table the twitter
    Skip the tweet.
    Chicago or Rio?
    Windy and Heat.
    Japan and Madrid?
    Fierce to compete.
    Bring coffee, bring toothpaste.
    No sleeping - just haste.
    From gerbils to giants,
    No time to waste!
    Toupee or too scruffy,
    sticky as snot,
    it matters not -
    the political cookie
    will find it's spot.

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Ode to Chicago and Its Baseball Fans

    It was a hot and sticky day
    He knew the Cubs were going to play
    Excitedly, he shut the door
    His work today would be no more.

    The windy city beckoned
    Like a long-lost friend
    He loved baseball, he reckoned,
    Like a gerbil

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Chicago, I have never been to you
    But I have
    been to you
    I imagine you to be
    delicious and arboreal
    when I drive the Loop
    just off of lower Wacker

    Chicago you are like toothpaste in my soul
    you brush me clean
    of twitters, dupes and fakes
    Even though your winds blow my toupees
    hither and yon

    Chicago, if you were a loving movie for me
    it would win Best Animated Feature
    You are so arboreal I can't begin
    to tell you what it means
    The word "arboreal" I mean
    not you. I know what you mean, Chicago
    I have never been to Chicago
    but I have Chicago.
    I have never been to you
    but I insinuate
    that have been to you
    by writing that I have been to you
    and by writing about Lower Wacker
    like I know your geography or something
    I have been to you
    but this is a poem about feelings
    and hair-raising events
    Like Mister Spock said
    we should beam out of here
    with our babies on board
    sweet home Robert Johnson song Chicago
    you make me have no idea
    what I'm talking about
    And that's what I think about Chicago
    I have never been to Chicago
    but I have been to Chicago
    and somehow that's just Sandburg enough for me

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Mayor Zues
    Hizzoner gets excitedly windy when talking up the Olympics,
    Will his deal go down like a house made of toothpicks ?
    When taxpayers ask about clout, he skips the specifics.
    He just flashes a Spock salute and says it's silly hysterics.

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    It's getting so sticky
    The snakes with toupees excitedly fluttering
    thinking we don't know Melvin
    (but we're so acquainted with Dr. McGillicuddy!)
    Echoes of "Deactivate the Masses" heard over and over
    It's an Academy Award for Best Animated Feature,
    starring the Gerbils (um, excuse me, I meant our local Chicago Politicians!).

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    pop my words in the toaster
    like a pop, pop, pop-tart
    the scent of the blogosphere lingers
    like an old man dog fart

    your law degree is a bigger problem
    than your drinking problem
    so how come i can't forget you?

    snoring like a 4am bar
    on the corner of halsted & armitage
    i roll you over to stop the snoring
    you stop, stop, stop then start again
    like a cab meter

    i can't make the fare
    i can't make you happy
    i can't make the toaster
    pop, pop, pop

    like the color of our president's skin
    through the eyes of a birther
    like a jumper
    on 9/11
    like a parking ticket shoved up your ass
    then shoved under your nose: "pay it, bitch!"

    there are over 25 pop-tart flavors
    that is not a metaphor

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    A little late, but from some graffiti at the Villa Park Metra stop:

    "And the world will quake,
    like the legs,
    of a drunk."

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    A hot rush sweeps through my loins.
    Excitedly, I board my rowboat and set course for Winnetka.
    A meeting with Dr. McGillicuddy awaits.
    What will he say?
    What will he think of the fierce burning within me?
    Will he blame it on the gerbil from last Wednesday?
    I sip my delicious coffee in anticipation.
    Questions left unanswered as Chicago twitters on the horizon.

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    A haiku, entitled "Dr. McGillicuddy"

    Run scruffy toupee,
    fluttering excitedly.
    Windy Chicago.

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Webster's dictionary insinuates
    love is like a trite snake cookie
    if u know what i'm thinking about
    are u sleeping or something?
    wake UP
    ...things R happening
    my big-ass monitor
    that's m-o-n-i-t-o-r, Chicago
    it has a first name:
    it's HP sauce, Oscar
    and it's sticky DELICIOUS, Winnetka
    u r soooooo not ready

    tweet THIS
    u know u want 2
    (drop the microphone: that's hawt)

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Chicago summer
    Giant delicious coffee
    Skip tweet; too windy

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    Giant sticky HP sauce twitters my big-ass monitor
    Scruffy Melvin bites the gerbil
    Hot Chicago excitedly tweets Winnetka as Dickinson skips delicious coffee for trite iPhone fluttering
    Fierce toothpaste cookies insinuate into Dr McGillicuddy on Wednesday
    Sleeping Spock toupee leaps arboreally from the table thinking to deactivate the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature
    The windy snake excitedly rides the rowboat

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    I'll try again... another haiku, entitled "Macbeth and Conan the Barbarian"

    Melvin is a snake.
    Conan the Barbarian
    Giant sword goes swoosh.

  • In reply to EdNickow:

    there are no Hawt Dickinson readings to tweet here
    home of a hundred trite toupees
    Lost in a prairie of Wednesdays

    Kewannee sux


  • In reply to FernandoDiaz:

    Scruffy, stinky onion bed
    Surrounded by arboreal potential
    Attract eager investors
    Trading tomorrow

  • In reply to FernandoDiaz:

    Delicious, sticky, scruffy, arboreal Chicago
    Like a snake you deactivate my big-ass monitor
    Fluttering, sleeping, thinking, I hurl my gerbil toupee at my iPhone on the table
    Willing it to excitedly ring.

    Wednesday it tweeted, announcing the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature,
    Spock bites, read the review on Twitter.

  • In reply to FernandoDiaz:

    skip and run, run and skip
    oh how i long for
    the CTA cool air
    a relief it would be
    from a hot Chicago day

    skip and run, run and skip
    the sun is so fierce
    and my skin is so sticky
    oh how i long for
    the Blue line cool air

    skip and run, run and skip
    "if only i am more like Spock"
    i mumble to self,
    "cool and detached to this weather i'd be"
    "and win the Academy Award for best animated feature i would!"
    excitedly i skip on

    skip and run, run and skip
    windy the L tunnel
    cool as can be
    deeply i inhale,
    quickly i regret
    foul air i smell
    bus i should have chosen!

  • In reply to FernandoDiaz:


    Windy Winnetka
    bad for fluttering toupee
    rowboat saves Melvin

    His scruffy gerbil
    sits back on his giant head
    sticky, now it stays

  • In reply to AnnaPulley:

    Two hot souls gaze across the room.
    Be my Mrs. Dr. McGillicuddy forever.
    Dare I let the snake loose?
    No, I will deactivate my heart. Power down. Power down.

  • In reply to AnnaPulley:

    Hewett-Packard sauce (aka HP sauce) is boss.
    But I

  • In reply to AnnaPulley:

    It was a trite, hot, windy Chicago day, I on my iPhone, he on his computer staring at Twitter on his big-ass monitor.
    When much to my surprise a scruffy snake insinuated its way around the table leg.
    My heart went skip as my giant gerbil jumped down from his arboreal perch and came fluttering to my defense.
    Offering the snake two bites from his cookie which the snake excitedly ate and slithered happily away.

    Shaken to my core, and he totally absorbed in a tweet, I gave him my best Academy Award for Best Animated feature,
    And with a leap dumped my coffee on his stupid toupee, thinking, Dr. McGillicuddy would sure hit the spot right now.

  • In reply to AnnaPulley:

    How delicious and hot
    one night with Spock
    would be.
    To sit at a table eating cookies
    and tea
    (or coffee, if he preferred).

    But to insinuate the his heart,
    might leap at my own skipping heart,
    I would be
    dreadfully daydreaming.

  • In reply to AnnaPulley:

    Fifty year old man says to twenty year old girl
    Have dinner with me and I'll rock your world.
    His iPhone was sticky but the text was clear
    His heart skipped a beat thinking she was near.
    She approached from behind with a wink in her eye
    And threw off his toupee as she waved bye-bye

  • A fierce, scruffy giant from Winnetka,
    Bought a sticky toupee for his gerbil,
    But a snake used his toothpaste,
    Ate his cookie in a rowboat,
    Then deactivated his fluttering iPhone while sleeping excitedly and enjoying delicious, hot coffee at a table where there was a big-ass monitor on which was showing a short documentary by Dr. McGillicuddy on Mr. Spock that won an Academy Award for Best Animated Feature.

  • Scruffy
    (the sound of snapping fingers...)

  • Run, Sticky Giant

    Fierce gusts blow from the lake
    The windy day bites my skin
    Like tasting toothpaste on a cookie
    I am lost without you in Winnetka.

    How dare you insinuate my arboreal nature
    would win the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature.

    I am sleeping, thinking of the view of Chicago
    from a rowboat.
    Excitedly, the leap deactivates my Wednesday.

    Our scruffy romance has run out, like the coffee.
    Your snake, Melvin, and my gerbil, Dr. McGillicuddy,
    are the only winners here.

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