Nancy Pelosi And The Congressional Underpants Gnomes

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Damn, I love this picture.

Pay attention because I’m about to give you a lesson in how to turn temporary setbacks in to permanent political losses. You may not want this lesson, but I don’t care, because it explains why a political junkie like is practically wetting herself with joy at the thought that, despite all common sense and pull of reason, Nancy Pelosi, whose primary accomplishment as majority leader was leading the majority straight into the minority, will be running for minority leader.

Despite widespread complaints about massive losses that will put Democrats in the minority, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Friday she will try to stay on as leader of her party in the House.

The decision exposed a rift between Pelosi’s liberal allies and the dwindling number of moderate Democrats, who feel besieged and eager for substantive and symbolic changes in direction after Tuesday’s Republican rout. It also is likely to trigger leadership battles farther down the ladder…

…”We have no intention of allowing our great achievements to be rolled back,” Pelosi, 70, said in a letter to her colleagues.

Does anyone remember a certain South Park episode where the Underpants
Gnomes, where a group of enterprising little people steal children’s
underwear for fun and profit? They just couldn’t figure out what that
second step was that would get them from underwear hoarders to corporate domination? It’s the same second step that is preventing the Democrats from going from legislative success to
permanent majority.

Supposedly, Nancy’s the only one with the balls to keep the Democratic Blue Dogs – or rather, what’s left of them after they lost their seats after being forced into compromise on a series of terrible, gimmicky big-spending bills – in line, and clearly, the country, which overwhelmingly preferred to send their elected leadership careening headfirst into total paralysis rather than see it continue on it’s current path, is totally jonesing for a whole new term of Nancy. Shaggy and Scooby could solve the mystery of who might have been to blame high on Scooby snacks, trapped in a closet and without Velma.

Sure, there’s blame to share. In fact, the Democrats could point fingers and yell obscenities for days and never come up with a single person to take the fall, but here’s the thing: Nancy Pelosi was single-handedly responsible for instituting an all-or-nothing approach to passing controversial yet what might have been originally acceptably progressive legislation. At every turn, and on every issue, she insisted that something no matter how gross and awful must be passed just to say they passed it. That’s her plan and she says it herself – she’s focused only on short-term success, not the long-term ground game that will really ensure a Democratic majority.

So what’s the “long-term ground game?” Bipartisanship, pure and simple. Now, obviously the majority leader who’s party holds both houses of Congress, the Presidency and a majority of low-level judgships doesn’t necessarily have to give anyone with an “R” after their name a say, but here’s the thing. If you share the bill, you can share the blame. The brilliant part of bipartisanship is that you can passive-aggressively spread the political risk. Since it was the Dems who led the charge, the Dems got their asses handed to them on Tuesday. Had a few Republicans been dragged into the fray, the results might not have been such a Dem disaster.

So, the solution to the problem, then, OBVIOUSLY, is to nominate someone – say, a Blue Dog – to drag the GOP with them on bipartisan measures, sharing the blame and probably the turnover. Do what America asks – pass sensible, moderate, preferably job-creating legislation, keeping sniping to a minimum – and you might just save your asses in 2012. Nominate Nancy Pelosi and you might be pledging allegiance to President Palin, and that’s just f***ing terrifying. For everyone.

I’ll say it slowly: Nancy isn’t just a lightning rod and a rallying cry
for Tea Partiers desperate to show their sexism by pinning failure
squarely on the bizarrely coiffed head of the Armani-sporting Madam
Speaker from San Francisco. She’s an actual liability to your shot at a recovery in 2012.So do us all a favor and drop the excuses because while I lust after a regime change to, say, President Mitch Daniels, in 2012, you’re gonna f**k us all.

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