It is a new beginning today. It was a new beginning yesterday, and the day before. And it will be a new day tomorrow. Yet every New Year’s Day we look back, in hopes that we will have a glimpse of our life ahead. It has been a very challenging year for all of us. We have cried our deepest cries of pain, whether they are in loss of love or in the burden of a physical fear and yet still we celebrate and carry on. The constant search for the answers to the questions of our perpetual why… I have found can paralyze each and every one of us. The boundaries we have limited ourselves too, the roads we won’t cross, the chances we won’t take seem to be completely out of our control, as if there is a restricting power placed upon by someone who has defined who we are. We worry about the future and I have seen some destroy the beauty of the present in the fear of their future.
The past year took a hold of me. It represented itself in the form of a “beast” as I called it… a tumor that grew obsessively in my face… wild, strong and out of my very own control. Fighting it’s ever presence, in the pain and confusion it caused me I began to loose myself. My dreams, my inspirations, creativity, business all was pushed to the side for what every body else wanted or expected from me. He needs me, she needs me, they want, it was never for me. My doctor reminded me of this when he first discovered how serious this bump in my face was. He knew looking in my eyes that the beast had succumbed me. There was no yoga, meditating, writing or music… I had lost me. After meeting with the Chief of Staff of head and neck oncology at Loyola University Hospital, I surrendered to full open facial surgery with only ten days of recovery before having to get on an eight hour flight to my daughter’s wedding. I was frozen in my communication to others, no smiling or blinking and my ear was non existent at the time. I was a soul inside a container, and it screamed to get beyond this confinement. Blessed that the tumor was benign, I documented every day, with selfies and videos and doodles of notes to see if I could see my soul. I realized that the beast was a manifestation of my entire lifetime of boundaries. This was it, M … this was the test of your entire lifetime to figure this out. The questions cried out to me as I stared out the window from Loyola University Hospital, drugged on morphine and pain medication that left me a zombie. I heard my daughter and people around me, I heard the surgeon and team of doctors but I was a soul in a shell. I was not there. I promised myself I would get out of this… and break out of the boundaries that were now defining me.
I had enough. I stopped the drugs for the pain. No more drugs. I needed to heal me more than just the incision from the top of my face through the neck area. I could care less about the scar… can’t you see me? My mind was so alive… but my body was missing. What happens to us when our soul lives and our body is immobolized? Well I can tell you… it is an entirely different level of consciousness. I went home the next day, with my ear, face and neck stitched up with a tube, and I refused to take the pain killers. I will deal with this pain, my soul will heal this. I had to, for the very first time in my life go beyond the boundaries that were placed upon me.
It changed me.
I beat the beast and the pain. The tumor was my master for five months yet represented the accumulation of a lifetime of living for others, first before myself. This healing was a transformation back to me. The young girl at sixteen, dedicated to photography, writing and holistic healing that surrendered her self to be a wife and a mother. I am not what my mother or father wished me to be. My children, my ex-husband, clientele, friends or those I love see what they want to see. Crossing boundaries should be a sole journey not to be impacted onto another. I learned during this time that the boundaries were non existent for others unto me, and yet placed upon me, by others I was limited in my reach.
Return to what you love. Dance, sing, travel, write. Photograph, let your voice speak. Be you. Promise yourself to be you. Heal yourself and discover who you intended to be. Go beyond the boundaries that defined you and reach that edge. It’s an incredible light to see.
Love & Light… M
Photography copyright 2015 MaryEllen Malinowski, Zen Living by design | Infrared Light Int’l
zenlivingbydesign.com Zen Living by design Magazine launching January 2016
Tags: art, be, blog, boundaries, calm, chicago, client, design, design center, designer, Dr. Borrowdale, edge, education, energy, enlighten, free, gratitude, Healing, home, illinois, infrared, infrared light, inspiration, international, intuitive, Japanese Garden Design, Koi Whisperer, Koi Whisperer Sanctuary, let, lifestyle, light, living, Living Art, Loyola University Hospital, malinowski, mantra, maryellen, MaryEllen Malinowski, meditation, morning, muse, Nature, Now, peace, photography, self healing, Shore, soul, Spa, spiritual, St. Charles, summer, sun, team, time, Tour, travel, truth, United States, universe, Water, zen, zen design aqua, zen design — 0 Index, zen living, Zen Living Magazine