The Dayan Cannon

There doesn’t figure to be that much to look forward to this coming White Sox season.

Well, that’s a lie.  There’s a wealth to look forward to in any team’s baseball season, including but not limited to the fact that the Sox are a mortal lock to win at least 60 games–and will probably claim a lot more–offering many nights of triumph and joy throughout the summer.

But relatively, in comparison to other major league baseball teams, it could be a little bereft of delight in 2012, and there’s a need to isolate and celebrate small nuggets of pleasure.

I have chosen Dayan Viciedo’s throwing arm.

His range and instincts in the outfield are quite limited, and will probably induce as much wincing as smiling.  But that arm, that glorious missile launcher, it’s really a sight.

Witness it.

I can’t say for sure who first dubbed Viciedo’s arm “The Dayan Cannon”, but I think I heard it first used by Jim Margalus of the South Side Sox.  Obviously I am a fan of the nickname; it flows off the tongue, offers an apt description, and of course, features the hilarious juxtaposition of a 74 year-old bleach-blonde actress with a 22 year-old Cuban man.

I am here to push the moniker forward, I suppose.  I had always figured that I would create some sort of serious of posters; goofily edited images to tweet out in celebration of every outfield assist on the year.  While a night in December doesn’t seem like the best time to go about it, I have little motivation to praise the Minnesota Twins for their avoidance of committing large sums of cash to the denouement of Jason Kubel’s existence as an effective player, and possess a sneaking suspicion that the White Sox are not about to be announced as the winner in the Yu Darvish bidding.

So I made it just now. It’s a hastily scrapped together Microsoft paint job that I have already oversold with the high word count of this post, the visage of Ms. Cannon with alterations made to indicate the fearsomeness of Viciedo’s ability.

If I may self-assess, I would posit that the amateurism of the composition is quickly thrown into the background by the raw terror of the piece, and that shock that something fairly banal has been modified to transmit a sense of pure madness.

In other words, you’re all going to think I’m nuts after looking at this thing below.  But oh well, I’m going to go watch a movie now and take the rest of the night off.


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  • the first thing that comes to my mind upon hearing the 'the dayan cannon':

    the ion cannon shoots projectiles too!

    I guess I'm a star wars geek...

  • In reply to The Wizard:

    It happens to the best of us. And when I say "the best of us", I'm of course including myself.

  • --TANK TOP!

    --Do you feel lucky, PUNK?

    --The Dayan Cannon: Causing unassuming third base coaches to soil themselves since 2011

    (RUN spelled backwards. As in the anti-run. Play it in reverse on your record player and well, you get the idea . . . Seems to jive with the evil demon thing you got going here.)

    --This is my BOOM STICK!

    --Eat your friggin' heart out Rocky Colavito!

  • In reply to Ham N Egger:

    These are all possibilities for the season. Well, "tank top" makes me think of some sort of garish photoshopping of Dyan Cannon's outfit onto Viciedo's body, which is...well, maybe in August when things get really dull.

    Mostly I'm just relieved that people are reacting to this with something other than terror.

  • The Dayan Cannon?:

  • In reply to Ham N Egger:

    Holy crap.

  • In reply to James Fegan:

    That's exactly what I said when I looked up and saw that it was almost 11am and realized my morning had been almost entirely consumed manipulating Dyan Cannon images in photoshop.

  • In reply to Ham N Egger:

    I was 20 minutes late picking up my friend last night because of this stuff. And it was not particularly warm outside last night.

  • In reply to James Fegan:

    If s/he is still talking to you, tell your friend that your readers appreciate her/his unwitting sacrifice.

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