(In the bottom 13th, Troy Tulowitski stands at 1st base, pondering the lateness of the hour, and the likelihood of him making it to the midnight showing of Cars 2. He leans toward 1st base coach, Glenallen Hill)
Troy Tulowitski: Hey, Glenny
Glenallen Hill: Hm?
Tulowitzki: Remember playing ball back in grade school, like in gym class? Where every now and then, you just keep running, kept taking extra bases, knowing that all the other kids are too incompetent to throw you out?
Tulowitzki: I mean, you know how you’re supposed to force the throw? What if I forced it…all the way. I bet they’re not expecting me to just run. What do you think? It’s worth a try, no?
Tulowitzki: C’mon, it’s the 13th, already!……No one realizes how bad these two teams are
Hill: You do what you want, I don’t give a f***
(Ty Wigginton hits bloop to center)
(Tulowitzki rounds 2nd base, snickers audibly)
(Brent Lillibridge moseys)
(Tulowitzki races for 3rd)
(Brent Lillibridge saunters)
(Brent Lillibridge adjusts pants)
(Tulowitzki rounds 3rd)
(Brent Lillibridge strolls)
Brent Morel: Say now…
(Tulowitzki races to home, giggling maniacally at this point)
Hill: (Hocks loogie)
(Lillibridge’s throw enters infield, helps itself to a drink)
(Tulowitzki scores, Rockies celebrate out of social obligation)
(Josh Reddick stands on 1st base, attempts to shake sunflower seed remains out of his pants)
Alex Rios: (writing in diary) When I actually take time to look around the stadium, I am struck by the great multitude of corporate sponsorships and advertising on every inch that isn’t the playing surface…
(Josh Reddick runs with the pitch)
Gordon Beckham: Uh-oh
Rios: Miller Lite, Toyota, Comcast or ‘Xfinity’ or whatever those villains are calling themselves now, Majestic…
(Marco Scutaro lines pitch to centerfield, Reddick prepares to round 2nd)
Beckham: CRIPES! IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN! WE GOTTA GET THE BALL BACK IN!!!
Rios: It’s even all over our equipment. Our bats are Louisville Slugger, our cleats are Nike…are the balls still Rawlings?
(Reddick closes in on 3rd base)
Beckham: ALEX YOU GOTTTA CHARGEIT NOW WEENEDDD THE BALLL!!!!! QUICK QUICK QUICK IT’S HAPPENING I KNOW IT’S HAPENNIGGGGG AGGGAAAIINNN!!!
Rios: Well, here’s a ball. Let’s see….is this a Rawlings?
(Reddick rounds 3rd)
Beckham: OMG ALEXX GETTHEBAALLALL ALLEXX ALEXXXX ALLEEEEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rios: This IS a Rawlings. Well, some things are reliable after all
Beckham: ALRIGHTALLREADY ALEX C’MON THROW IT TO ME MY EYES ARE BLEEDING OH GODDDD WHYYYYYY
Rios: Hey, what does this signature say? Bud Selig’s real name is Allen? No s***!
Beckham: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH (squirts pepper spray in own eyes)
Rios: Oh, Gordon’s calling for the ball.
(Rios throws ball in)
Beckham: OHTHANKGODTHANKGODTHANKGEORGIAJESUSS HERE IT COMES!!!!!!
(Beckham drops ball)
(Peter Bourjos stands on 1st)
Juan Pierre: Hhheeeeyyyyy Aaaallleeeexxxxx, gggggootttttt aaaa fffffaaaassssstttttt gggggguuuuuuyyyyyy oooooonnnnnnn ffffiiiirrrrrrsssstttt. Llllllooookkkk aaalllliiiivvvveeeee oooouuuuttttt tttthhhheerrreee
Alex Rios: (winks at Pierre)
(Torii Hunter lines ball to left)
Pierre: Aaaalllleexxxxx, yyyyooooouuuurrrr eeeeeyyyeeee ddiiiidddd ssssooooommmmeeeetttthhhiiiinnnnggggg wwweeeeiiirrddddd, yyyyyoooouuuu gggggooottttt ccccaaattttaaarrraaaacccttttssss?
Alex Rios: (points at ball)
Alexei Ramirez: Ball! Juan!
Pierre: Ddddoooccccttttoooorrrr tttteeellllllssssss mmmmeeee Iiiiii ggggoootttt cccaaattttaarraacccctttttsss
Rios: (points at ball, winks….winks while pointing at ball)
Pierre: OOooooohhhh, wwwwwweeeeee gggggoooootttt ooooonnnnneeeeee hhhheeeerrrrreeeee
(Bourjos rounds 2nd)
Pierre: Eeeeeaassssssssyyyyyy dddddooooeeeeeeessssss iiiiiittttttt
(Pierre bobbles ball)
Pierre: Wwwwhhhooooaaaaaa, Iiiiiimmmm rrrruuussssshhhhhiiiiiinnnnnngggggg ttttoooo mmmmuuucccchhhhhh hhhheeeeeeeerrrrrreeeee, gggootttttaaaa sssssslllllooooowwwww iiiiiitttttt dddddoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwnnnnnn
Ramirez: Juan! Juan!
Morel: (phone rings, picks up) Hello?
(Bourjos rounds 3rd, Hunter rounds 1st)
(Pierre handles ball)
Pierre: Ggggggooootttttt yyyyyoooooouuuuu, lllllliiiiitttttllllleeeee bbbbbuuuugggggggggeeeeeerrrrrrr. Nnnnnnoooowwwww, wwwwwhhheeeerrrreeee wwwweeeerrrrreeeee wwwweeeee?
Morel: My wireless service? Well, I never really gave it much thought to be perfectly honest with you…
Gordon Beckham: (neurons misfire in brain, runs to random location…drools)
Ramirez: (waving arms in windmill motion)
(Bourjos breaks into jog as he approaches home plate, Hunter does the same pulling into 2nd)
Pierre: Oooookkkkkkk, ttttttthhhhhrrrrroooowwwww ttttoooo 22222nnndddddd, gggggooooottttttaaaaa hhhhhooollllllldddddd BBBbbooouuurrrrjjjjjoooosssssss, ssssppppeeeeeeddddddyyyyy llllliiiiittttttllllleeeeeee bbbbaaaasssstt—(trails off, looks at moon). Ssssshhhhhhiiiiinnnnneeeeeeeyyyyyyy!!!!!
Morel: No, right now is fine. I can talk. Can you quote me some rates?
(throw makes it back into infield)
Ozzie Guillen: I think Juan looks faster out there today
Paul Konerko: No argument here