There are not too many people in my current life that are aware I was married once before. For those people that didn’t know: surprise! I was young, stupid and should have known better. And I am ashamed to admit, I pulled a Kardashian.
Last week I wrote about Kim Kardashian’s 72 day marriage and what she earned per minute. I want to make it crystal clear that the only way I pulled a Kardashian is by bailing on my marriage faster than the speed of light. I didn’t earn any money, I cost my parent’s a shit load that I wished I could get back and I didn’t have a publicist to try to make me look like less of an ass.
I saw an interview she did the other day and she spoke of intuition. Her intuition that things were not right with Kris Humphries and that she should have not gone through with the wedding. I’ve been the first to ridicule her but I must say, she had a point.
Growing up all I ever dreamed of was getting married and having children. I had enough boyfriends to start an army – my mother always called me her butterfly. She said I “flitted” from one guy to the next, never staying with one for too long. Hence the nickname butterfly. (On her deathbed my mother’s last words to me were “you’ll always be my butterfly”).
I had a brief engagement when I was 21 but a trip to Florida with my girlfriends killed that. Of course I met someone new and the engagement was over. I was always in love with the idea of love, not the actual real life everyday ups and downs kind of everlasting love. A woman I worked with once said to me that “you kids all think you know what love is but you don’t. Love is when you’ve spent years with a person; gone through bad times as well as good and triumphs and tragedies. Then and only then will any of you really know what love is.” How right she was.
When I met my first husband he was the opposite of what I was typically attracted to. We fell into a full blown relationship immediately and as many of my close friends were getting engaged I got caught up in the idea of it myself (again). We had been together seven months; we put a ring on it.
For six months after the engagement all time was spent wedding planning. I should say that my mom was in charge of everything. She picked the place, the menu, the invitations, the guests, my bridesmaids, everything. I had little to say about the event and felt myself getting not just cold feet; they were like ice.
We’ll call the fiancee M. While M was a very nice person, it was becoming increasingly evident that we were not meant to be together. I was outgoing, he was an introvert. I had career aspirations, he went from job to job. I was Jewish and he came from a Catholic family of nine children. His parents hated me and at first refused to attend the wedding. Once they finally agreed to come I could have cared less if I ever saw them.
Intuition was screaming at me to call it off. I have never felt so trapped and confused. My father had told me to “run”, not walk away from this union. Yet my mother did not want to cancel everything. There were deposits, there was a reputation. When I met another guy three months before the wedding that I literally would have run away with, I was crushed. I knew I wasn’t ready for any of what was coming but I was too terrified to back out. I was only 24, what the hell was I doing??
Not too many brides walk down the aisle wondering how long before it will be socially acceptable to split. Not too many brides sit locked in the bathroom of their honeymoon suite and cry hysterically on the first night. Not too many brides spend their entire honeymoon without letting their new husband anywhere near them. And spend the honeymoon thinking about someone else. I was guilty on all counts.
Barely ninety days passed before I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like a prisoner; I felt suffocated. My intuition was spot on and I didn’t listen to it. I asked for a divorce and M was crushed. I had gotten caught up in the idea of marriage, not what would happen after the wedding day. I hurt a lot of people with what I did by not going with my heart.
I met my current husband a couple years later. The day we got married I was never so sure of anything or anyone. I wasn’t worried about a wedding or cakes or guest lists or anything. I only cared that I wanted to be with this person and have babies and a life together. Believe me we have had our ups and downs but 2 kids and 25 years later I now understand what that woman had said to me about knowing what love truly is. We have had a strong commitment to making it work despite times of wanting to run. My intuition told me from the very start that this was going to be the one.
So yes, once I pulled a Kardashian. But I learned from that mistake. So anyone out there who is thinking of getting married and it’s not feeling completely right, get the fuck out. Before you pull one too.
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