Exercise is not the devil after all

(Caution – this blog will contain foul language. Once in awhile it’s a necessary evil for me). 

Tonight has been a very big night for me. After completing the 60 minute DVD of Dancing With the Stars Cardio Dance I discovered something so exciting I just had to talk about it. I hate to brag but I am so proud to say that MY THIGHS NO LONGER TOUCH EACH OTHER!! 
The very fact that I finished the DVD without having a stroke or heart attack is in itself a fucking miracle. That’s right – a fucking miracle. We are allowed to say anything we want on these blogs and that’s how I am feeling right now. (Example: see Moms Who Drink and Swear).
From childhood until my late thirties, I never, ever had a problem with my weight. As a matter of fact, in high school I was teased and told when I turned sideways I disappeared. Of course that didn’t say much about my boobs, or lack thereof but I was one of those skinny bitches I would kill to still be now. 
During high school of course we had gym class and as a member of the pom-pon squad I kept in good shape. I ate whatever I wanted and never thought I would ever have a problem. Ding ding ding ding!!!!! Wrong!! It’s hard to notice it on yourself until the clothes start getting too tight, buttons are a poppin’ and zippers are a bustin’. 
Then not only did the weight start creeping up, the cellulite made its grand entrance. Merciless shit that cellulite. It spreads like a California wildfire though eventually the fire goes away. And you can use all the overpriced cellulite cream in the world, it’s not going anywhere. 
The biggest problem for me was that I have always hated exercise. It is the ultimate dirty word. I never liked sweating, I don’t enjoy being sore and I have been just plain and simple, a lazy ass. My husband works out nearly every single day. He plays tennis and rides his bike. He lifts weights. Bastard.
So, last November when I realized that my ass was falling into the depths of hell (and couldn’t climb a flight of stairs without heaving), I decided to give exercise a real shot. Both my daughters are a size 0 and they kept prodding me to try to get into a routine. Rather than go to Lifetime and pay around a thousand dollars a month (okay, I exaggerate) I joined the local community center. Why spend a ton of dough on something that I’d probably do twice??
Then something happened. I discovered that with an I-Pod, a killer workout playlist and closed caption TV the exercise wasn’t so bad. I also discovered that my excuses for not ever wanting to go before this were totally and ridiculously lame. Every time I thought of an excuse I told myself to fuck off.  And here we are, five months later. No more excuses.
At my age seeing results is a slow process. Age is the “fucker of all mother fuckers” and I’m taking it on with a vengeance. I want to have energy and age started denying me that. I want to be skinny again and age had been denying me that too. Of course I know that had I been exercising all along the aging process may have slowed. Shut the hell up to anyone who wants to remind me of that. 
So tonight after surviving my workout and toweling off after a shower, I noticed the thigh thing. I can’t remember the last time they didn’t touch and now they don’t. This is a huge milestone for me. It’s motivating as hell to finally see a result. And I am going to keep at in the hopes that someday, just someday I will turn mother nature and the hands of time on their sorry asses. 
So anyone out there that was like me and wants to stop the madness, I so totally swear that you won’t be sorry. You’ll find it gets easier and easier and there will come a time when you actually WANT to work out – and feel guilty if you don’t. Just do it. 
Oh, and sorry about the swearing. It burns calories.


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  • Exercise might not be the devil, but Groupons for liposuction are my salvation!

  • In reply to drewkent23:

    Do tell!!! Big savings??

  • In reply to drewkent23:

    Swearing burns calories? I may have to give this a try. Have you tried zumba? It's great exercise, without feeling like you're exercising.

  • In reply to jofel:

    I actually have tried Zumba, I like it! Anything cardio I like as I only feel like I am getting anywhere if I am dripping sweat like a pig :) Swearing WHILE exercising is REALLY good for burning calories too, not just swearing by itself!! Try it, you'll like it!

  • In reply to jofel:

    What, your thighs no longer touch?

  • In reply to jtithof:

    Well, please keep liking me despite this milestone in my life :) I am happy that you read my blog!!!! Thank you!!

  • Keep these profound words in mind when working out...from an old sage much wiser than me, "you can do side bends or sit ups, but please don't lose that butt."

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