Category: Addiction

Why "We Are Not Accepting New Patients" Is Literally Driving Me Mad

I guess a lot of people would just say it’s my own fault. I should get a better paying job. I should get a job with insurance. I should, should, should — I’m tired of getting should on by society, truth be told. If all of those things were that easy, don’t you think that... Read more »

Memorial Day Weekend -- Filled With Memories, But Not About Military Service

It’s been 16 years. 16 years since I’ve seen the inside of a psychiatric hospital. Tomorrow marks the 16 year anniversary of my voluntary check-in to the world’s worst hotel. I had forgotten until right now. At some point, (soon I hope), I’ll get around to writing the memoir where I go into it all... Read more »

XV

Today is my 15 year sobriety birthday. It’s really just another day, in most respects. I didn’t do anything different. I’m still just walking the road. Sometimes people congratulate me or say they’re proud, and I understand the sentiment, but I know that it wasn’t me. I didn’t do it of my own willpower or... Read more »
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January 11, 2002

You know, I was going to try some nice narrative about that night. But here’s the long and short of it. In May of 2001, I was diagnosed manic-depressive and they hinted I had a substance abuse problem — they planted the seeds that there was a program that could help me, but I wasn’t... Read more »

Freaks and Geeks Revisited

Like many of the things I do, re-watching Freaks and Geeks doesn’t really make a lot of sense. It’s only one season long, and there’s lots of other things I’ve never even seen. Parenthood. House of Cards. The West Wing. Stranger Things. The OA. But, I found myself firing it up in spite of all... Read more »

Writing It Off And Taking A Loss

I’ve never been good at letting go. Of possessions. Of principles. Of people. I’ve always held on for too long, too tightly, too hard. I struggle with the idea that this world is temporal and that things aren’t made to stay forever; that things can and will change; that people often are here for reasons,... Read more »
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We Shall Not Regret The Past Nor Wish To Shut The Door On It

It’s one of them “promises” from recovery land. Not regretting our past or wanting to close the door on it. Learning from it and even wanting to share it with others so that our experience may benefit them and let them know they are not alone and that they, too, will one day not be... Read more »

It's Always Me

The recovery life is riddled with paradox (“a situation, person, or thing that combines contradictory features or qualities”). There are countless slogans, ideas, situations, and premises that seem to constantly contradict themselves — but when taken individually in context, are inevitably the next right thing. On the surface, it would seem that the reason for... Read more »

I've Forgotten

I’ve forgotten how to write. I’ve forgotten how to do most everything, it seems like. It feels like. My vagina bones hurt — I’m decidedly unforgetting how to ride my bike, and in true alcoholic fashion, I went balls out and rode waaayy too far the first day. Oh well. I got in a fight... Read more »
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Lucky Thirteen

Saturday, January 12, 2002. The previous night wasn’t really interesting or spectacular in the history of my drinking and drug use; in fact, there was no drug use at all. Insofar as drunk went, I wouldn’t have ranked it in the top 500. It was just a night out, a pleasant buzz. But in the... Read more »