I guess a lot of people would just say it’s my own fault. I should get a better paying job. I should get a job with insurance. I should, should, should — I’m tired of getting should on by society, truth be told. If all of those things were that easy, don’t you think that I’d be doing them?
But that’s not my reality — I’m currently on Medicaid, which I am extremely grateful for. It allows me to get my psych meds for virtually nothing, and as far as I can tell, I’m supposed to be on these. I’ve tried not, and while it didn’t end up in pure disaster last time, I definitely lost a roommate because I couldn’t understand how depressed/manic = angry, paranoid, easily ruffled I was.
So, being on the meds seems to be the proper course for me at this time. I’m currently getting them prescribed by my primary care physician (PCP), who has become more and more reluctant to do so. Why? I have advocated and suggested to people for years, that they should get their head meds from a head doctor. NOT from a primary care physician. So it makes sense that she would prefer that I get and see a psychiatrist.
I would love a psychiatrist. Truly. There are some other things I’d like to address, potentially with medication (ADD), that I don’t want to do unless I have a stable relationship with a psychiatrist who knows me and knows my history. My PCP actually gave me a referral to one in February, but I had NO insurance, so I let it slide by.
I have searched for providers on the website of the health plan I have chosen (essentially, Blue Cross Blue Shield Medicaid) — selecting “behavioral health provider,” a reasonable distance from my house (15 miles), and clicking off the box that reads “accepting new patients.” You would think that gets me a good selection of providers.
It *does.* However, when I start calling people on the list, I am told “Dr. Fuckshaw is not accepting new patients at this time.” There is often a slate of docs at the clinic/institution I’m calling, so I start asking about another provider or a therapist (which I’m also after). NO ONE is accepting new patients.
I called two or three the other day, and called two today. I don’t know what I’m supposed to fucking do. Something tells me that if I had “real” insurance, they’d have time for me. Or if I was self-pay, and throwing around some cash. But for now, there is no room at the inn.
I’m caught between being enraged and frustrated and scared, and being grateful that I am stable on meds, high functioning, and able to advocate for myself. If this process is killing *my* spirit, what happens to the person who is newly diagnosed, fresh from the hospital? Or the person who is stuck in the middle of a mixed episode and can see no way out? Or the person who is trying to *prevent* another mental health relapse, but can’t seem to find anyone to help them?
I don’t fucking know. Because this is getting real old, real fast, and making me feel real shitty. At least I’ll be able to tell my PCP that I tried. That I called people under my plan, only to be told that there was no way for me to access those services.
And fuck finding a dermatologist or rheumatologist or endocrinologist, right? Right. I literally can’t even. So, yeah. I talked to my friend just now, and she says, “God is slow.” Well, hurry up motherfucker, cause I want some action. And see if you can fix this health insurance thing, ey?
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