Today Is A Day

Today is a day.

Today is a day when I am showing up in spite of myself.

Today is a day I am truly convinced I will never have true love.

Today is a day that I am embarrassed at what will finally get me to write again.

Today is a day that I cannot force myself to continue in this treacly format.

I blogged at The Smussyolay for ten years.¹ And it was SHAMELESS. If you think that I’m honest here, well go and look at that mess. You get the best (and mostly worst) of what is essentially an unfettered look at trips through manic-depression and depression triggered by what I truly believe is an addiction to love.

I probably have at least another 20 years of therapy in me just unraveling it completely. Or maybe I don’t. And even as I try to write this, I’m still paralyzed. Back then, I just let it ALL out on the table. I spared no expense on how much I’d let you see how wrecked I was. Now, I just can’t bear to let you see how wrecked I am.

I don’t know what to say. Sometimes I feel like absolutely nothing has changed. And then there are times where just by virtue of some of the things that I’m no longer doing, I know that things have changed by leaps and bounds.

This blog post seems like the biggest #vaguebook² in the world. Suffice it to say that before that first weird drink of Mauna Lai and Southern Comfort ever hit my lips, it was because I was happy to be alone with Jerrod Getz that I was even considering drinking that disgusting concoction (I don’t think I was particularly even against a drink, it was just that … eww). And that before any of that was even going on, I was already the owner of a *heavily* marked up copy of Codependent No More – and just neatly ignored all the 12-step references and transferred the nods to alcoholism to my childhood with my father.

And it’s not just that – I had an unrequited (and unspoken) crush on someone from 6th to 9th grade. That’s crazy talk. It makes no sense. I was a love addict from the get. And then there was the wholly unhealthy and unproductive bestfriendship I had throughout high school – creepy, much? I think having a really tumultuous and unpredictable and unstable “normal” childhood left me with a desire to hang on. Tightly.

But these are things that get created and imprinted from a very early age – unconsciously, unknowingly, unwittingly. And so, my friends, it’s REALLY fucking hard to undo. Science tells us that our brains literally become hardwired. There are neural pathways that get created in our fucking brains. Sooooo … you’ll have to excuse me if I feel fucking doomed. Really, really, hopelessly, awfully doomed.

I just started to continue the rest of this post … and I don’t know – let’s just say THIS:

I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t – relationships, sex, love, intimacy, etc. I’m not so young anymore. I don’t have the luxury of waiting around for things to happen. But I also don’t have the luxury of just goofing around, either.

I’m an EMPATH, people. When I do things, I do them with my whole heart and soul. I cannot help it. But that gets tricky for someone who is wont to get real entwined in a real “my brain was wired wrong” sort of way.

It’s messy out here.  I get confused. Send help.

¹ I recently revived that domain – maybe I’ll go back to gross diary entries over there.

² Vaguebooking – making really vague status entries on Facebook when you can’t bring yourself to name names or be explicit about what you really want to say/share.

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