I’ve seen the look before. I’ve seen it on the faces of doctors when I worked as a veterinary tech and I am sure it flashed across my own face a few times when I was a paramedic.
Unfortunately, I have seen it directed at me more times than I care lately. It’s not one that gives much comfort to the patient. It’s the look of ‘I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you.’
I saw it as a kid when my mom brought me to the doctor with hives and welts so bad it made the nurses and doctor itch.
I saw it on the face of the triage nurse in the emergency room in 2004 prior to being diagnosed with and nearly dying from bacterial meningitis.
Now this year alone I have seen it on the faces of medical professionals on at least 4 occasions. I’m kinda getting use to feeling like an episode of House.
Now, as I face even more doctors to try to figure out what is going on with me, I have to tell you – it is a bit daunting.
But as frustrating as this physical pain can be, as unsure the future is, I know that I am not alone. I may be forced to walk with a cane from time to time, but I know that God has carried me in the past and he will never abandon me and he will continue to carry me even when I think I can walk on my own. Christian music artists Casting Crowns came out with a song a few years ago called “Praise you in the Storm”. It reminds us that even during the most tumultuous times in our lives, even when we would have thought he would have reached down and wiped away our tears, God continues to whisper to us “I am with you.” Even when my strength is gone, he lifts me up and tells me “I am with you.”
I have heard that people think religion is a crutch for when times get rough and when things seem out of control.
I refuse to see it that way. My faith and my trust in something greater is not a crutch – it’s a relationship.
God is not something we lean on. He is someone that takes an active role in our lives if we let him. He wants a relationship with us. He wants us to bring everything to him. In the very smallest to the biggest of things, I can talk directly to someone that will listen. I can rejoice when he says yes. I learn patience when he says wait. And when he says no, I can take that as he has a plan in store for me much greater than anything I can imagine.
Both physically and mentally, there are going to be those times in my life that seem like mountains that I can not climb.
“Fear not for I am with you. Do not be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will lift you up my my righteous hand” Isaiah 41:10
But no matter what is going on around me, no matter the pain I am in, no matter the place I find myself in life, I can take great comfort in the fact that God said in Matthew 28:20 “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
If this would have happened a few years ago, you would have found me living in fear. I am not one by nature that like unanswered questions. But now I am finding myself facing the future with faith. The doctors may not know what is going on with my body. They may need to do more tests, more blood work, more scans to find the solution and ease my pain. But the great thing is – God does know what is going on and I can take refuge in that and I will continue to praise him in this storm.
UPDATE: The Diagnosis 12/1/2012