You Can Keep Elf On The Shelf, To Yourself.

I love the holidays just as much as the next chump, but there is a new(ish) holiday tradition that makes me cringe. I don’t know the details because I refuse to buy into this crap, but I have a sick feeling I am about to be tortured by this thing any minute.

It’s this damned Elf On The Shelf.


^ creepy

Even the theory behind this is mind boggling to me.

Let me get this straight. He’s a creepy spy for Santa that comes down from the North Pole, to keep your kids in line?

What about the other 11 months of the year that your kids need to behave themselves? What do you do then?

Make a creepy messenger turkey that will report piss poor behavior to the Pilgrims and have you shipped off aboard the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria?KIDDING: I knew those weren’t the right ship names cough*after I Googled*cough. The REAL question here is: did YOU know?

Perhaps a stuffed Leprechaun that smacks you upside the head with a rainbow when you are out of line?

Please don’t even get me started on how fugly this thing is. Not one person at Elf On The Shelf Headquarters thought “hey this guy looks like a fucking creep?” NOT.ONE.PERSON?

All of the dolls that come to life and kill people, have plastic faces and stuffed bodies. Chucky, anyone? Even that baby friend of Lotso, in Toy Story 3, was an asshole.

But what I REALLY can’t stand is the 867 posts in my newsfeed.every.single.morning, of what mischief those little asshole elves have gotten themselves into.

Even the title of this little game is misleading. I thought this little creep was supposed to just sit….on a shelf. But no, apparently his job is to get caught in very compromising situations, thus showing your kids specific ways to get into trouble.

Oh look my elf decorated the house in toilet paper. Tee Hee, isn’t that so funny?”

No. No it’s not because now my kids think it’s a good idea to raid the bathroom cabinets and run around the house like hooligans, leaving behind a toilet paper trail for mommy to clean up. And let’s not forget that it will probably be the LAST roll in the house that they choose to decorate with. Then I’m stuck lugging three kids (in the freezing cold) to the grocery store to get ONE package of toilet paper and that just pisses me right off.

I’m so creative and made my elf poop Hershey kisses all over the counters.  So cute, right?”

Yeah, it’s all fun and games until your kids think they have free reign to leave poop trails around the house. Not so cute anymore, now is it?

I really have no energy to remember to move this thing around every day, let alone be all cutesy about it. And I know myself well enough to know that our elf would just be lying there, in the same spot, for like a month. Then my kids would cry, wondering why their elf doesn’t come to life and swing from the chandeliers, like all their friends’ elves.

I would be an idiot to hand them a reason to whine, on a silver platter. So it’s best I just sit this one out.

Call me a “scrooge”, call me “boring”, but I would rather teach my kids about the joy of the holiday season with verbal threats about Santa, the good ol’ fashioned way.


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