Top Ten Things I'd Like to Tell Carlos Zambrano

Top Ten Things I'd Like to Tell Carlos Zambrano

As expected, Carlos Zambrano delivered his long awaited, much anticipated response to quitting on the Cubs, cleaning out his locker and threatening retirement. I’ll skip through the gist of it and fast forward to the part that most likely had you on the verge of dry heaving.

“I want to keep pitching for the Cubs. It was a moment of frustration Friday night and I (felt) so bad that I wanted to quit, I wanted to retire.”

Right. Well then, since you’ve had your chance to say something to us Z, it’s time for me to say something to you. Ten things actually. Buckle up, this might get a little rough.

10. Don’t Use the Fans

Here’s a free tip for you and your agent Z. People know you’re only rattling off that scripted apology to fans in an attempt save your own ass. Trying to come off as anything other than a guy hoping to avoid losing out on millions is a flat out joke. Don’t try to win over the fans Z. They gone.

9. Your Contract is Killing the Cubs

Not only are you getting paid gobs of money you don’t deserve, but your contract also makes you virutally untradeable. The proverbial rock and a hard place for Tom Ricketts and Jim Hendry. Is it any surprise they reacted so favorably to your retirment threats? Forget about the day their first kid was born, had you retired, that would’ve been the greatest moment of their adult lives!

8. We Don’t Believe You

You didn’t intentionally throw at Chipper Jones? Ummm, say it with me Chicago: bullshit. I mean really, do we look that ignorant to you? Chipper, and half the Braves roster for that matter, had already gone yard and you were obviously looking for a way out. Which made it obvious to anyone watching that the pair of pitches you threw inside were meant to bean him.

7. You’re a Quitter

You didn’t see your teammates trying to beg their way out of the game during your meltdown, did ya? But you know what they say, when the going gets tough, Big Z gets going. You put yourself ahead of the team, and you always have.

6. Your Teammates Don’t Like You

Okay, maybe not all of them. But reading between the lines of some of their comments makes it painfully obvious they’ve tired of your antics for good. You’re the bully everyone makes fun of behind his back because to them, you’re nothing but a joke.

5. You’re an Asshole

Doesn’t really require an explanation. Moving on…

4. You’re Embarassing

Everytime you launch into one of those patented tirades of yours, it gets replayed over and over again on TV. You’ve become a punchline instead of a pitcher, a charicture if you will. So when the world laughs at you, Cubs fans have to suffer through the embarassment that comes along with it. It’s not within me to feel bad for Cubs fans, but with Adam Dunn on my favorite team, I can at the very least sympathize.

3. Seek Professional Help

All jokes aside, you’ve got anger problems my friend. Forget about baseball and get your mind right. This isn’t a smart ass blogger failing miserably at trying to make a joke at your expense. This is one human being talking to another. Get some help. You’ll be a better man for it.

2. You Are Average at Best

Coaches, teammates, managers, agents, friends and family may not want to tell you this, but it is what it is big man. You’re average, on a good day. You can’t throw heat. You can’t strike people out. You can’t win baseball games. Time to take the kid gloves off, tell you how it is, and maybe then you’ll be able to handle mediocrity a bit better than you are right now.

1. Go Away

Typically we’d go Costanza on you and pull the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ routine. But you don’t even deserve that. In fact, I’d say Cubs nation should break up with you via text message or voicemail. The past few years you’ve been the crazy, emotionally abusive husband that they couldn’t quit. But this last outburst was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Go away Carlos Zambrano. Chicago doesn’t want you anymore.

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