The one that "Could Have Been"

locksThe “could have been” relationship situation is one that I am not all that familiar with often but most recently can relate to.  I have to say, getting through this and accepting the reality of what is happening really stinks right now in this moment.

In this situation I was the one who wanted it more than him. I don’t think he was really into it even through he is the one who came back around and wanted a second chance. A second chance because there was a barrier that was preventing him from taking it to the next level. Granted I believed that this was great that he wanted to really get to know me. I just knew the more he got to know me, better chance at him falling for me. I have dated my fair share of men. This was a pretty rare situation. I am a live in the moment kind of person. I always jump feet first when dating anyone new. I like being that way because I am more relaxed, engaged with the person I am seeing, carefree, super fun and most importantly not as anxious.

He gave me all green lights on our first few dates which then made my emotions start to feel for some sort of relationship status. I’d built him up to be this amazing guy, the perfect guy. He was such a great catch, couldn’t believe he was still single. I struggled with myself to not mess this one up. I then realized that I didn’t have to do anything to prevent messing anything up. His words of affirmation made me believe that this could possibly turn into to something real, something long term. Ultimately, he expressed his concern about what he wanted,  but he couldn’t do this relationship thing right now. HA! Typical.

He brought his best self when we met. I got all caught up by his attractive qualities that I found so refreshing and promising. I got to see his vulnerability, when he was struggling with in this situation. He didn’t know how to control the feelings he was having. I appreciate his honesty. It shows that he did listen when I told him that we should be transparent and honest with one another. Yes, we had more than an amazing time with each other. I don’t think there was anything that I did or didn’t do for him to react this way. It was a reflection of where he was at. I expressed to him what my gut was telling me, “Not to run away from this, support him through this, deal with this with him”.  These are his issues, not mine. I want to tell him I understand and wouldn’t put any pressure on him but I know this would only cater to his needs in a way that actually would be compromising my own. I tried not to show too much emotion as he rattled off the whole speech about what he wanted. I had no control in this, I can’t force him into dealing with his feeling in a different way. It wasn’t me that was having the issue, it was him. Obviously I felt rejected, AGAIN by the same man. I even questioned myself about it and wondered if I made a mistake for allowing myself giving him a second chance. He couldn’t be with me because his emotions were all over the place. My emotions were in a good place and it was frustrating, but that’s what was it was.

Our “Could Have Been” relationship could have gone to the next steps. My values and boundaries were being compromised for the sake of me wanting to nurture his emotional unavailability and issues. I honestly wanted to stick around, but that’s not going to change how he feels. I have nothing mean to say about him. I truly wish him all the happiness in the world and he can figure out what it is he is looking for. I feel that’s its unfortunate that he is throwing away something special with me, rather it be romantic or friendly. I’ll enjoy it for what it is in this moment and I’ll keep my head held high.




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