Nine years and a few months went to finalize an outstanding matter. So I admit it now, but never before believing what was best for me then. I had, with someone who I greatly cared, one of the biggest confrontations of my life that brought as consequence, radical changes involving labor and soul issues. My environment made a complete turnaround in a matter of hours, pushing my life condition (then comfortably envisioned for many years), to embrace new, strong and unknown challenges, that subsequently brought the best crop and fruit that feed me until these days. All that some of us call “my world” shook vigorously and there was no day for several years, that I have not thought about that incident, always in a soliloquy discussion of the scene in question, sitting, according to me, in different benches and where my position (“unbeatable and fair”) won infallibly , as a prisoner of ego and personal convenience.
How many more years had to pass to understand why I recurrently cited to new audiences in the supreme court of my conscience, if I always obtained an undisputed triumph, without any counterpart to defend himself ? It is clear: because there was no more adversary than myself.
“I win – you lose” … what is this? A game of adjustments at will, putting us arbitrarily and tendentiously on the podium of the victors, to restore what is bothering us, probably caused not only by those who we consider our offender, but mostly for our own internal enemy, the one that also hurts others and makes them violent, making us believe that it is the champion of justice, drawing his sword, in the name of what “should be” … be, to whom ? I inquire.
The problems with have with others make us, if we take the telling of the story, the offended ones. We will hardly consider ourselves the offenders, because, for an obvious self-preservation and moral survival, we moved the roles and circumstances, so we can recap the novel completely inclined to our favor and believing it blindly, without any possibility of any other version.
I finally saw it clearly time ago: I carried an unsolved issue, though the judge of my stubborn ego dictates “the meeting is adjourned.” It took many months, maybe a couple of years to do what I really had to do: make contact to the person I wanted to keep in the drawer of “completed files”. I already did it and I am very happy. He answered with care and pleasure, as in the glory days of friendship, mutual complicity and professional riding. THANK YOU, thank you very much for that.
Now and finally, with all of the pieces harmoniously placed on the board of reasonableness, I shut that exhausting and useless courtroom forever and I conclude that if the incident affected me so much, is because I was involved for it to happen and mostly that it happened to someone I cared too much … and I still do.
A big hug to those who, as always, kindly lend me their attention for a while becoming my free therapists.