The future is a scary place

It’s ChicagoNow Blogapalooz-Hour…which means that all ChicagoNow bloggers have one hour to write about the same topic. I’m excited because I’m actually participating for once. Tonight we have been asked to pick any point of time in the future and write about what you hope/think/fear/expect your life will be like then.

Holy moly. That’s a loaded assignment for someone with cancer.

Many of you know that I have Stage IV Melanoma. Yeah…that skin cancer that you CAN’T just cut out and get on with your life. I’ve been dealing with this beast of a cancer for almost four years now, and I’m in no mood to stop now. If you read the statistics…but never mind…because statistics are bullshit.  Somebody beats them.  Why not me?

Life with melanoma, if you’re unlucky enough to get to Stage IV, is unpredictable to say the least. But I’ll be damned if you can’t learn some pretty important shit from having cancer. Things like appreciating every single morning that you get to open your eyes, even if it is -7 degrees with a -30 wind chill. Yup, it was cold again today. But the sun was out. And the best part of my day was getting to see my little sister, who was nice enough to make sure I got to my doctor appointment. Love you Claudia!

The future is really quite a bizarre place for me to contemplate. On one hand, the future gives me hope because those BS stats I mentioned above have already been beaten to some degree. But on the other hand, it scares the daylights out of me. Though most of the time I’m a very positive person, I wonder if my good fortune in surviving this beast so far is going to catch up with me in that crazy thing that is the future?

There are milestones you mark when you’re moseying down cancer road. Things that you think you might not get to be here for, and then you are. And the joy…well, it’s just indescribable. My oldest daughter reaching a year clean and sober (so proud of you Morgan Diane)! And my youngest’s wedding to the most amazing man (love you Mallory Lynne and David)! These moments sometimes make the thought of the future too much to bear. But bear it I will, because I was blessed this morning with another day on this earth.

Truthfully, I really try not to have expectations of the future, because for me and so many others, the future is a minute from now or an hour, or tomorrow. When you have cancer, you really try to live in the present. And so I’m going to enjoy the present…and go eat that Caramel Apple Pie gelato that’s been calling my name all night.

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Filed under: Cancer, Melanoma

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