Dear Fear: I'm the one in control

I’m a Stage IV melanoma warrior. I know fear. All cancer patients do. For me, most days it’s cool, but sometimes it’s got a life of its own and it’s like Eddie Money sang, “I ain’t got no, no, no control!” There are some things that get to me.

  • Fear is getting home after your first interferon treatment and waiting for the side effects to hit, because you don’t know what they’ll be
  • Fear is looking around the house before you head to the hospital for surgery, wondering if you’ll be back
  • Fear is trying to read your oncologist’s face as he walks in with the results of your most recent scan
  • Fear is having to tell your boss that you’ll need to go on your 4th leave in 4 years…and wondering how long they’ll put up with this
  • Fear is the look in your kids’ eyes when you tell them your cancer is back, again
  • Fear is taking down the Christmas decorations, and wondering whether you’ll see that bright, sparkling, beautiful tree again
  • Fear is the thought of your own funeral service
  • Fear is the thought of my family having to deal with, and go on after I’m gone

It’s real.  But it’s all emotional, and most of it is not about me.  It’s about my family and my friends, and what they would be left to deal with if this stinking cancer took my life.

But I refuse to allow fear to conquer my life.  If I allowed it to, I wouldn’t be living, would I?  Today is a gift! It’s tattooed on my wrist, just in case I need a reminder. I appreciate every day, including every single day of this *&%#&! winter. I don’t dwell on the negative, scary things in my life. I won’t. I’m livin’ the dream, as my friend, Phil, says.




Filed under: Melanoma

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