A source unfamiliar with the situation has informed this non-reporter of additional items seized by the FBI during the April 9th raid of Michael Cohen’s – President Donald Trump’s personal attorney and a National Deputy Finance Chairman of the Republican Party – home, office, and hotel as related to Robert Mueller’s well-known federal investigation.
A wide array of documents, such as tax records, business records, phone, text, and email conversations, were reportedly obtained under a federally-issued search warrant. There was, however, greater speculation as to what else the FBI may have recovered. For the first time, these items have been revealed to this fake news outlet as a matter of something not related at all to national security.
Here is the list provided by the FBI with added semi-humorous satirical commentary:
- Hamster named Elvis – it had an offensive hairdo according to reports
- 34 DVDs of films starring actress Stormy Daniels
- An unused condom hidden in Mr. Cohen’s wallet – we have reason to believe this condom is well past its expiration date
- 18 paperclips thought to be used during the Kennedy Administration – we cannot confirm
- Tear-free baby shampoo
- A putter – no ball or roll up green was found
- Three pygmies named Earl, Jim, and Sammy – they’ve been sent in for questioning although they do not know English nor any language known to the civilized world. Their real names are simply throat sounds.
- Mother’s Day cards with messages that made the agents sob – these were thought to have been written by Mr. Cohen and Hallmark is interested in his talents
- Squirt gun – no ammo
- Fresh basil – like really fresh frickin’ basil
- One purple sock – no matching sock was found; possible murder investigation underway
- Five Colt 45 bottles – which is absurd if he wants to play Edward 40 hands with two friends, unless Mr. Cohen has a friend who is an amputee.
- Rice-a-Roni – uncooked
- Rolodex of “mercenaries”
- A letter to Bruce Springsteen asking for a signed guitar and lock of hair
- VHS tapes labeled “Urine for a treat, Donny” with a smiley face – accompanied with a lot of questions as to why there are still VHS tapes
- Mr. Cohen’s dignity