Attention Planet Earth ~ What If Gandolfini And Hitchens Came Back From The Grave

James Gandolfini was a nominal Catholic and Christoper Hitchens an assertive Atheist. They both died recently, leaving us who admired these opposites to wonder what they would tell us if they could return. Since that’s not actually going to happen, allow this theist a guess.

To play my guessing game we have to presume for the moment they have both reached some kind of celestial afterlife, from where they are speaking:

* Gandolfini ~ “I’m not sure where this is exactly, but I know I’m still here thinking, talking, moving. I just hope things clear up pretty soon. I mean, it looks nice enough, but I still haven’t met the Big Guy who runs it. I got a lot of questions for him. Or her? Or it?”

* Hitchens ~ “I’m here too. Frankly I’m surprised, because I always said once your body dies that’s it. Much like every other bundle of coincidental DNA in the universe, once the body stops, there’s nothing else like a soul to survive it. As I used to write, all that Judaic-Christian mumbo-jumbo about a heaven was concocted by ignorant desert herdsmen who didn’t know any better. As a mater of fact, all religions were formed back in a time when people didn’t know any better about much of anything.”

* Gandolfini ~ Yeah, I remember you pitching that and it made some sense. But I’ve been thinking. Just maybe “not knowing any better” is only saying “not knowing what my head and my books tell me.”

* Hitchens ~ “Come on Jim, what else is there for an educated modern man but his head and his books?

* Gandolfini ~ “I dunno, Hitch. Maybe his heart and his emotions? Maybe an afterlife made more sense to those herdsmen, because they were more open to it. You know, like music. Some orchestras are always trying to program the heady new stuff like Scriabin and Mahler while audiences are usually more open to the heart and passion stuff like Beethoven, Brahms and my boy Verdi.”

* Hitchens ~ “So you’re actually saying people can be too educated to see what only the heart can see?”

* Gandolfini ~ “That’s sorta like how I fell in love with my wife and my kids. No books. now syllogisms. just believing they were the best part of my life! [PAUSE] Hey, wait minute. I see the Big Guy coming now. [A GASP] Wow…!!”

* Hitchens ~ “[THE SAME PAUSE STEVE JOBS TOOK ON HIS DEATH BED] “Wow…!!”

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