Five Outrageous Ways To Take The Joy Out Of Sex

Throughout history men and women have discovered both the need for [Evolution’s take] and the danger of [Bible’s take] sex. At the same time we have also discovered the joy of sex. So much joy, in fact, that both the evolutionists and the religionists felt it necessary to analyze this joy. You know, break it down into (1) what parts of the brain light up and/or (2) what parts of the soul blink.

As a simple aficionado of the joys of first love, first kiss, and first sex, I have to protest. Why can’t both sides just get out of the way? Stop with all the charts and graphs and lab research. You know, just allow unexamined sex to be enjoyed like we do an unexamined sunset.

That is of course a useless protest. Throughout the centuries there have been at least five well-intentioned examiners who tell us that sex is too complex to be practiced without certain complex rules and regulations. The Vatican has been saying this for 2000 years, along with the monastics, the Puritans, the Fundamentalists, Masters & Johnson, and lately every university campus that can get a government grant to dissect human sexuality into some neuro-chemical phenomenon.

This week’s New York Times devoted an entire editorial page to the “spontaneous orgasm.” If that picture haunts you in bed tonight, me too. But today’s research labs insist nothing is too planned or spontaneous, too small or too large, too pleasant or too painful, too natural or too unnatural not to be studied! published! discussed! and eventually into the New York Times!

If you’re like me, you may notice this is all part of a widespread investigatory approach to humanity. The desire and need to learn is inherent in that humanity — that’s why we send our kids to school, right? — and yet Socrates “unexamined life” may not always be the terrible thing we are told. Sometimes, sometimes the unexamined moments [AKA, mysteries] can be the most joyful. The most enlightening. You know — the most human.

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