Dear Doctor: Please Make Me Look Exactly Like Barbie

Apparently this is what Valeria Lukyanova told the cosmetic surgeon just before a series of operations transformed the 23-year old Ukrainian into an exact image of the world’s most honored/reviled feminine icon. The Barbie Doll. And no, I’m not kidding!

Listen and learn, dear celebrity cultists, for isn’t this simply the logical extension of your own cockamamie fixation with all things rich, beautiful and famous…..?

Here’s the rap sheet on blond Valeria: “She has huge almond-shaped eyes, perfect porcelain skin, and a voluminous bust that that tapers to a 17-inch waist. ” Even up close she looks like she’s mad of plastic. Which is fine with her, as she explained to curious reporters: “I always try to perfect myself further both inside and out, because I think perfection has not limits.”

Are you getting all this….? This is celebrity-mad America at its most mad. But wait there’s more, and don’t pretend to be so offended that you dismiss all this as absurd. After all, how many times have you sighed over Hollywood hunks or whistled at Sport Illustrated calendars? I dare say we are all a little mad in this culture of celebrities, because, well, because we can project into these distant creatures all that we wish we had or were or may someday be.

But back to the living Barbie. “I’ve been on a liquid diet for a year now. I’m hoping it’s the final stage before I can subsist on air and light alone. As for those who call me a freak, they are the women who are unhappy with their lives. They are sitting at home making cabbage soup; I feel sorry for them.”

As we bid a fond farewell to Barbieland, we are left with this cosmic question: Who really are the freaks? Those who lust after the fame and fortune of the beautiful people they think they see…or those who find fame and fortune in making the people they see a little more beautiful? Say like moms, dads, first responders, and all those nameless icons we call cops, firemen and teachers?

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