USA! USA! I Have A Simple No-Tax Plan To Save You

My plan is as simple as it is sensational. America doesn’t need a new cast of characters to make this play a hit. We have all the characters right now; only they’re playing the wrong roles. Let me explain.

When you see Daniel Craig, Tom Cruise or Harrison Ford playing 007, a CIA renegade, or the president of the United States, it’s always a 4-star movie with a 5-star ending, right? It’s that old old tale we’ve loved ever since Washington crossed the Delaware, Sheridan scorched the South, and Patton had the Nazis “running like crap through a goose!” Trouble is, our handsome Hollywood heroes only work on the silver screen. The guys we hire for the actual jobs are nowhere near as grand or as galvanizing.

Not their fault, they’re only human. But that’s what’s so terrific about my Hollywood plan, because there they’re all super-human. Cool…cunning…patient…always fair…yet always relentless in the cause of true justice at home, Yankee goodness abroad, and of course the sanctity of the girl-next door.

See where I’m going with this…?

Lets stop all the costly nomination, campaign and confirmation fights every four years. Instead lets just cast our best Hollywood heroes in actual government roles from the get-go. Can’t you just see Clint swarming through the hills of Afghanistan, Tommy Lee wiping up the beaches with Somalian pirates, Brad droning his way into the center of Tehran, even old-timers like Stallone and Schwarzenegger pounding the hell out of any damn Chinese that dares stick their head out further than Hong Kong!

What a movie…what a story…what a way for America to start looking as good in real life as we do on Blu-Ray. Well, it’s worth a try. And while I’m producing this imaginary hit of super-heroes, I have some cool ideas about ridding the cast of some of the losers who’ve been hanging around television long after their time. I mean please….can we just call their agents and cancel their contracts? Starting with the hosts of every reality show from Extreme Make Over, Extreme Dating and Bachelorette to My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance to that one-of-a-kind slather of Americana: Pimp My Ride.

Look at it this way — these would not be so much cancellations as national mercy killings.

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