Are You Ready America...? 14 New Awards Shows Between Now And March!

If there is anything democracies love, it’s their annual award shows singling out who among us is more magnificently equal than others. If this strike you as a bit absurd, remember these 3-hour soirees provide something for everyone. The sponsors get to schlep their wares, Joan Rivers gets to test her botox, winners get their baubles, and the losers get to sneer beneath their smiles. A real win-win!

But wait.

This year they’ve crammed the schedule with more than 17 award shows between January and March. Only Bill O’Reilly’s contract lets one performer get that many closeups! You see, the schedulers over-booked prime time with more awards this year than ever before. Oscar, Golden Globe, Tony, Grammy, People’s Choice, we all know. But now what’s with these new entrees: Detroit Survival, Potato Famine Roundup, Rhythm & Tent Revival, and Armageddon Finals…?

This year’s field is so crowded that Joan’s red carpet introductions are being cut in half. So far no one’s complaining except Joan, but then the networks have stopped paying attention to whiny years ago. Most of their staff meetings these days have a bigger job. They’re trying to come up with enough new award categories so that every member of every performers’ union qualifies for at least one.

Joan’s suggestion was reall the best: “The programs don’t go off the air until every damn guest in the house in on the stage holding some glittering piece of shit they can mount on their mantle…”

God bless America.

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