I’m not at liberty to reveal his name, but on his metaphorical deathbed [aka, the Rush Street saloon he tripped on] he admitted these 5 secrets all Chicago sport writers pledge themselves to every January:
* I will always lead with a hot-headed clubhouse feud; especially the ones that I can make up!
* I will always kick up some gorilla dust about the quarterback, linebacker, center and pitcher; face it, those other guys are just grunts with no followers!
* I will always cheer the winner until they become the loser; consistency has no place in the small brain of a writer whose only passion is catching a large readership!
* I will always slip in at least one polysyllabic word every column; just so the high-rollers in the sky boxes know I went to college!
* I will always pen at least one sexy-girlfriend or embarrassing-arrest story around the holidays; bored readers often love hating their heroes during gushy seasons!
If you have any questions, I refer you to tomorrow morning’s columns in your favorite Chicago newspaper….
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