A Warning From All The Cold-Dead-Hands Still Proudly Gripping Our Guns

Something terrible is happening to our America. The land of the free, home of the brave, headquarters of John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, and pride of the NRA. We’re suddenly being sissified! You heard me. The mothers and schoolmarms of America have risen up to tear down our national right to bone-crushing sports, men-only clubs, guns galore, and poking fun at ballet, gays and fat people. This isn’t a good sign. Why at this rate, great all-American traditions like take-no-enemies in business, free-for-all-bleacher-brawls, and a new-war-every-10-years could eventually disappear!

Now that’s not right. That’s not American. That’s not a good thing for the biggest military power on earth which has already been infested with too damn many gays. At this rate, the world will start thinking of us — well, as over-civilized like those French dandies. That’s no way to run an empire.

Oh, this sort of national demise begins in small subtle ways. Just like the once-mighty Roman Empire. I mean just look at the evidence all around us. Mammas trying to protect their babies from all-American sports like football, soccer, and boxing. Do-gooders babbling about more safety helmets and gun controls. Trouble-makers looking to have homos getting the same rights as the rest of us Americans.

Where does it all end…? I’ll tell you where. With the little-ladies-that-lunch and the queer-fringe calling the shots. Hell, the only shots I want to hear are those tearing through the woods so I can get me a few more antlers for my den. Haven’t these sissies ever read their Second Amendment? Or checked out some of our great legends like Jesse James, Butch Cassidy, George Custer, and Charlton Heston?

That’s all I have to say. My work here is done. Now it’s up to you to fight the sissification of America wherever you can. Maybe starting in that next bar where you and the boys toast our great country……

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  • Had to re-read the headline before I believed this was coming from you and serious!! Whew.

  • In reply to Teppi Jacobsen:

    Teppi NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not serious. Just seriously laughing at the crazy right!

  • In reply to Jack Spatafora:

    This clarification seemed necessary.

    Heck, I like football and used to like pro wrestling more than anyone, but stuff like I mentioned a couple of days ago seems to be too much. Until Dan Weldon was killed, there seemed to be something to the new sanitized NASCAR (the yokels get their crashes, but with all the safety equipment, the drivers escape unharmed, even after hitting a jet engine).

    There must also be some distinction between self defense and shooting up the whole south or west side.

  • In reply to jack:

    Jack ~ You're right about being "clear" especially when using satire

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    I completely disagree with the author.

    Guns owners are disrespectful of authority. A failure to rely on authorities is an invariable sign of improper and overly independent attitudes. The mere fact that they gather together to talk about guns at gun shops, gun shows, shooting ranges, and on the internet means that they have some plot going against us normal people. A gun owner has no right to associate with another gun owner.

    Therefore, to help ensure our right to happiness and safety we must ban and seize all guns from private hands, and forbid NRA-based criticism towards people who are only trying to help. Searching the homes of all NRA members for any guns and pro-gun literature will go a long way towards reducing crime.

    Common sense requires only uniformed soldiers, police, and other agents of the state have access to firearms, and think of all the money we can save by just taking away the guns from private owners and giving them to the military and police. No person should be able to challenge this by writing to Congress or the President. If they do they should be forced in court to admit to it and then fined a hundred million dollars for each time. Subjecting them to torture will probably change their minds.

    Making it mandatory that church ministers preach against guns or else they can't get licensed will certainly force the church folk onto our side.

    People who don't like all this prove they are on the side of the killers with the guns and should be put in jail along side all the gangbangers and other gun nuts. Letting them sit in jail for a few years before they are charged will give the government plenty of time to find something wrong in their lives. Anything they say, write, or express should be held against them to prove their guilt. We should bring all of them here to Chicago to be tried by former Mayor Daly as judge, and we should allow only mothers who have lost children to gunfire to be on the juries. Any attorney who tries to defend them should be arrested also. If we don't get the right verdict the first time we can just keep trying them until we do.

    No woman needs to protect herself from rape, assault or murder and should just leave crime prevention to the Police who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime's completion. Women using a gun in self-defense interferes with and makes the attempted crime a "non-event," which unnecessarily complicates the Police investigation. Any woman who does this should be put in jail for interfering with an investigation.

    If someone still really, really thinks they have a need for a gun in their home for protection then the Army should just force them to host and feed some armed soldiers.

    Those who claim that the 2nd amendment was given to us because we might someday need guns to use against an oppressive government forget that Constitution has strong internal safeguards to protect our freedoms. So there!

    Long live our Constitution!

    [and this is how pros do satire...not the flat, leaden style of the original post.]

  • Dear Pro ~ Satire reigns...! From my leaden version to your golden prose, So let us together take satisfaction that the ancient Alchemists were right after all. Lead really can be turned into gold. But whatever the mineral, at least the message here is the same -- laughing at some of the political madness in our land.

  • Hey dont forget the progressives heroes, Stalin, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, the Turkish government in the Armenian Genocides, Hitler, the Warlords in Rwanda, Mao Se Tung, Kim Il Sun, etc, etc, etc, etc, as they have truly been inspirational in how progressives should treat their subjects with contempt, murder, and genocide as ideas, independence from the all knowing and never wrong government and entitlement machine and freedom are so counter productive to the greater good. Such an inspiration.

  • In reply to Jarhead1982:

    Then the modern acolytes of their heroes, Mayor Daley, Blooming Iidiot, McCarthy, Pelosi, Horwitz, Hennigan, Schumer, Holder, Obama, and the few dozen other closeted socialists in power broker positions whose small minion of zombied drones slather unadultered fealty to their marionette puppet masters like Soros and his billionaires cabal from afar, then again, thats not really satire is it!

  • In reply to Jarhead1982:

    Jarhead ~ I guess everyone takes their "inspiration" in a different way.

  • Hmnph. Nothin' in there that I have a problem with.

    Faggots are bad, guns are good.

    What's this guy's complaint?

  • In reply to TEEBONE:

    TeeBone ~ I'm hoping you like satire too! If not, no need to explain!

  • In reply to Jack Spatafora:

    Jack - I just answered yours with a dose of mine.

    Hope you enjoyed it!

  • In reply to TEEBONE:

    Right on...........!!

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