Four Ways To Get Out Of Bed In The Morning

A recent study in Britain reached an audacious counter-intuitive conclusion. Men now spend more time in personal grooming and clothing each day than women [81 minutes to 75]. I, no metro-male, seriously doubt this. However, if the world’s newest elite [AKA, statisticians] have so spoken, I suppose we’re obliged to take them almost as seriously as they take themselves.

So, how best can we — male and female alike — greet our new day each morning? Drawing upon my own 80-year longitudinal study, I’ve reduced our options to my 4-Gs:

* GREGARIOUS: We can tear back the covers, bubble out of bed, and breathe deeply before our open bedroom window to greet our world and our fellow humanity with all the good cheer of a Mother Terese grafted on to a Justin Bieber. An unlikely grafting to be sure, but it does capture the annoying giddy goodyness of our world’s if-I-can-dream-it-I-can-do-it legions

* GUARDED: We can peer cautiously out of the covers, squinting at the challenges of a new day, while methodically cleansing and arming ourselves for what we know are it’s gladiatorial skirmishes. Fortunately we can energize ourselves with the memory of past victories, in the hope we will once more survive the arena

* GRIM: We can pull up the covers for another few minutes of cocooned safety. Deep inside those soft dark folds, we can pretend for a moment the arena will not be there this day. That our fellow combatants will uncharacteristically come out brandishing smiles not swords. You doubt it. And so it is, as in the days of ancient Rome, you will stand there and utter the same words: “We who are about to die, salute you…”

* GRATEFUL: Then there are those of us who will actually be checking the covers. To see if they’re still a blanket and not a shroud. For you see, children, at a certain point in your own longitudinal study, your first emotion will be: “OMG, I’m still here. I’m still on this side of the grass!” As this reality seeps in, you gradually come to the conclusion: “I’ve got one more chance not to screw this up…!”

Ready…! Set…! Go….!

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