Category: humor

IKEA with kids: A one way ticket to Anxietyville

Today I went to IKEA. I know you are thinking, “IKEA? On a Friday? You are a GREAT planner, Annie.” But wait, my kid is now old enough to gain access to IKEA’s Kinderland or whatevertheshit it’s called in Swedish. Basically a stranger will watch my kid for an hour as long as little Swirley... Read more »

For the record, Joan Cusack DID NOT try to kill my friend

Do you have a doppelgänger? You know, In fiction and folklore, a doppelgänger, doppelgaenger or doppelganger (literally “double goer”) is a look-alike or double of a living person who is sometimes portrayed as a harbinger of bad luck. In some traditions, a doppelgänger seen by a person’s relative or friend portends illness or danger while seeing one’s own doppelgänger is said to be an omen of death. In contemporary vernacular,... Read more »

That time I accidently took my husband to a strip club

Back when I lived in DC,  I shopped at Ann Taylor and wore pearls. I mean, they really should have a bouncer checking IDs at that store and boot anyone under 45 for the good of humanity (and fashion). Conservative clothing aside, I liked to have fun. Some dancing at Chief Ike’s “club” with “Hillbillies”... Read more »

Making dreams comes true for one Brony at a time

EK’s obsession with My Little Pony continues. I would go as far as calling him a hardcore Brony. Our Halloween plans are set : 1. 1 rainbow dash sweatshirt 2. Pair of blue pants with hooves sewed on (don’t even ask me how this will happen). Done and done (brushes hands off). But here is... Read more »

My top five public speaking fails

Writer’s block is living large up in here. Usually I can turn the banal into something funny (or at least something fun to write), but my brain is like a big old black hole sucking in late-night Netflix documentaries while inhaling Pirate’s Booty. God damn that stuff is amazing. Anyway, last night I awoke panic-stricken... Read more »

People who told me four-year-olds are reasonable are big, fat LIARS

Recently my boss informed me I am now closer to 50 than I am to 18. Thanks, boss. 50 is the new 30, right? RIGHT? But don’t worry, I don’t have time to pout about growing a year older. Why? Because I am an adult and have grown to appreciate life my kid turned 4 last... Read more »

A weird time capsule from my 4th grade self

1. The motorcade
2. "Hi" says President Kennedy
3. A gun shot from a nearby bulding.
4. Hospital
5. Graveyard
6. The end
SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL do I have a treat for you. It’s not quite how I remembered, but amazing all the same. Here’s the backstory. Back in 1989 (fourth grade or so), when schools still offered art class more than once a never, we were given a special assignment: Create a storyboard out of felt.... Read more »

I'm not ready for my kid to head to year

Lately,  my newsfeed is filled with happy pictures of kids heading off to their first day of school. I  can almost remember what it smelled like that first week – new clothes, fancy folders and locker combinations I still dream about. However, this year things feel a little more sentimental. With every photo I study,... Read more »

"You cannot use pledge wipes as bathroom wipes" and other conversations with my mom

My mom, Ho-Ho, called me eight times this past Sunday.  Our final conversation ended with, “[y]ou’re a real bitch Annie. Love you. Bye”. This was of course in response to me imploring her to talk to her doctor before she refuses to continue taking a prescription. THE GALL! Ho-Ho’s lovely sign-off inspired me to put... Read more »

9 reasons I'd rather shave my tongue with a dull razor than go to another movie with my preschooler

Last week I went to a movie with my son. It was nothing like the first time we took him to theater, all doe-eyed, shoving popcorn in his mouth faster than his greasy hands could grab those kernels. “Thank you mama,” he said when we left the theater after his inaugural outing. “Wow!” I said... Read more »
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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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