Stayton the Obvious: Questions about the Overboard remake

Dear Eugenio,

Is it too forward to call you Eugenio? Mr. D? Dean? Anyway, I’ve been thinking about your new project over the past few weeks? What project, you ask? The Overboard reboot, obviously. You’ve taken on quite a responsibility and I admire your gusto.

As a rabid passionate fan of the original, I have a few requests in an effort to maintain the integrity of Overboard’s love story while adapting it to the naughts.

Why am I qualified to make such requests? Because I was raised in the 1980s, when Jared Rushton ruled the world and Goldie Hawn told people to “eat their checkers”.  In 2012, I spent more than a reasonable amount of time researching the careers of Overboard’s lesser-known cast members and composed a three-part series that still gets a lot of traction from those who truly appreciate this work of art.

Then there was the time I invited myself to Jamie Wild’s (AKA Greg Proffit) wedding and he responded to me, but not with a restraining order. I also shared the full movie script via a GIF-filled ode, composed quizzes and stumbled on an amazing cross-stitch pattern along with some Elk Snout gear.

Easter 2014 and a random crossword. If you can't go to Overboard, make Overboard come to you.

Easter 2014 and a random crossword. If you can’t go to Overboard, make Overboard come to you.

I basically died on 10/25/14

I basically died on 10/25/14

I am a freak with an ethernet connection, friends and a yacht-load of questions.

– Will Joanna Stayton AKA Annie Goulahie sport a strawberry-shaped birthmark on her upper-left cheek?

– Will a Portuguese scow captain find her and seemingly curse on live TV?

– Can you PLEASE keep Gertie’s name “Gertie”?

– Given all of the debate surrounding standardized testing, I really see this an opportunity for you to editorialize on the efficacy of the SchwartzmanHeimlichen test.

– How will you handle Mrs. Burbridge’s character? Will she exist? Now that we have neighbors calling police on kids playing alone at parks, just how BELIEVEABLE would it be for Burbridge to ignore these hellians? Further, what is Burbridge’s backstory? That perm has more to tell than meets the eye.

– Is Chris Pratt in line to play Travis? Maybe he’s back from college or something? Still illiterate?

– Is the BUHBUHBUH scene staying? It has to, right? It’s like deleting “the puking scene” from Goonies.

– What project will replace the minigolf course? How about classes in tiny-house building? He’s a carpenter, she has refined tastes. Maybe she would have to live in a crappy one when she first moves in? Aren’t those things ubiquitous in Oregon?

– And is the Proffit car a Subaru (see OR comment above)? How will she swallow a bug?

– How will technology play into the plot? Will Johanna/Annie spy racy sexts between Grant and Tofutti? Will mother Edith freak out after her texts are ignored? Will Travis be caught looking at porn online?

There is a small cadre of self-described Overboard aficionados (aka ‘boardies) at your disposable. Just whisper “Tofutti Klein-ein-ein” into a conch shell and we’ll be there to consult on the remake. Good luck and Godspeed.

No one ever accused me of being rational. Follow Swirleytime on twitter @swirleytime and Facebook for interesting stories, links and a lot of self-deprecating humor.

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