This Week's Top Ten Parenting Fails According to My Kid

1. At 2:30 AM today, I was summoned from Dreamland by a screaming preschooler. I did what any responsible parent would do and covered my head with a pillow. However, his relentless cries finally won out and, after dragging myself out of bed, was told that I “ruined his birthday party by not playing the right songs”  in August of 2014. That’s right, last August.

I get it. Seriously, guy, LET IT GO.

not listening2. I refuse to play They Might Be Giants’ “Here Come the ABCs” CD in the car. I am not lying when I say we have listened to it one bajillion times over the past week. My ears are bleeding vowels. A few nights ago I actually dreamt that I participated in a gory massacre and “LMNO” was playing on repeat, like the soundtrack to my own personal Hell.

Yesterday, when I finally put my foot down, my young son informed me that I “don’t want [him] to learn.” Obviously.

3. I didn’t try hard enough to retrieve a piece of artwork that flew out the open window and onto the road. Mind you, I pulled over and walked up and down the block only to return to a child sobbing, “PLEASE TELL ME YOU FOUND IT. TELLLLLLLLLLLLL ME…” Fine, I’ll give this one to him, it was pretty sad.

Why was said artwork sucked out the window? EK “wanted to give it some air.”

4. I poured milk in his cereal. Or I didn’t pour milk in his cereal. Or I used the wrong “color milk” (skim vs. 2% or 2% vs. skim).

lansbury5. Not that we actually have time to eat breakfast in the morning. Usually I throw a granola bar at him in the car and forget to open the wrapper. Or open the wrapper the tiniest amount, thus depriving him of his autonomy. Or even worse, break the god damn bar in half.

His disappointment in me is beyond palpable.

6. The planets on my kid’s wall aren’t to scale. In my defense, I repurposed old decorations (cross-stitch hoops with fun fabrics) into the solar system to update his room on the cheap. Next time I’ll ensure I have a larger hoop for Jupiter, mmmk?

7. I acted impatiently with him. This one is 100% reasonable and true. I apologized and he forgave me.

8. I DIDN’T PAUSE OCTONAUTS WHEN HE WENT TO THE BATHROOM. Cue meltdown. We live in the 21st Century, man! We can watch things backwards, forwards and upside down in slow motion. Be cool.

ndt9. I walked down the stairs in front of him. Apparently this is quite upsetting. Unless he wants to walk next to or behind me. It’s impossible to determine my morning marching orders and all I want is some damn coffee.

10. I woke him up at 7 AM on school days, which is apparently un-American. Even worse, I was uninclined to get up at 5:30 AM on “stay-at-home” days. I know, people should have to get licenses to reproduce.

I haven’t the faintest idea from where he gets his flair for the dramatic.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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