8 ways my DNA broke my kid

Yesterday I sliced my finger open with a bread knife. There was blood, a ring-finger wrapped in paper towel secured with scotch tape, and four stitches.

I called Mr. Swirley laughing about the ordeal and he once again exclaimed that EK and I are the same person: We have ZERO going on in the coordination department.

Since my husband is probably most objective in listing similarities between my spawn and yours truly, I thought I would pick his brain. The next question, is it nature or nurture when it comes to our mutually ridiculous behavior?

1. “You both have heads like a GD goat.”  Nature. My Irish head is on the gigantor side. While preggo, I asked an MD friend if my Ernie head combined with Mr. Swirley’s Bert noggin would average out to a nice-sized human skull. I guess genetics doesn’t work that way and EK was gifted my round, thick cranium.

“Oooh, that was offsides, wasn’t it? He’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow!”

Never before have I seen stars until head-butted with that thing.

2. “Both of you are better dancers than me.” Nature. This is very kind of Mr. Swirley to say. It is also, without a doubt, true.  You want nasty shoulder dancing? My guy is YOUR guy.

3. “Both of you like to hit me in the balls.” Nature (at least for now). Crude but true, friends. I stopped playing this game in recent years because it’s mean. But, EK, with that goat-head of his, treats poor Mr. Swirley’s nether-regions like a tackling dummy. I don’t think it’s intentional, but the result is the same. Poor papi.

4. “You are both clumsy.” Nature. I walk into walls, screen doors, cut fingers/hands/head open…it’s only a matter of time until EK is getting his first wiry, black stitch.

As of now, the poor kid falls more than walks. Some of this is due to his intense interest in anything around him (albeit NOT the ground), but I think a lot of it is just good old Mama Swirley genes.

However, EK does offer sage advice from time to time. 20 to 1 he doesn’t follow it himself.

5. “You fight for ‘your’ half of the bed and get mad if I cross the line .” 100% Nature. I haven’t exposed this flaw to EK and I secretly delight in him getting pissed at Mr. Swirley when good ole’ dad teases him. Then I realize I have passed my irrationality (is that a word?) on to my kid and hang my GIANT head in shame.

6. “You both eat off my plate.” Nature and Nurture. I am sure EK has seen me do “share with dad” since he was a zygote…but kids are ridiculous like this anyway.

7. “You both make up games that only end in everyone getting upset.” Nature. It’s all fun and games until someone gets a divorce/runs away starts crying. Unfortunately, along with his head size, Ellis was afflicted gifted the ability to take a joke too far AND upset himself by said joke. It’s a terrible behavior that we both need to rein in. Yes, I am putting a 34 year old in the same category as a 3.5 year old.

8. “You both wait ’til the last second to use the bathroom.” Nature. I don’t know what’s wrong with us. Maybe we just like living on the edge, you know?

Sorry Papi, DNA is a real bitch.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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