Six Amazing Valentine's Day Gifts My Husband Can Get Me This Year, But Won't

A few days ago I spied a cookbook gifted to me by my mother-in-law titled, “How to Make Love & Dinner at the Same Time.” Eek. Susie Q getting saucy!

BBQ'd BBQ recipe

BBQ’d BBQ recipe

I ended up setting it on fire, so I obviously didn’t follow the rule of not heating up the kitchen.  But it did get me thinking about Valentine’s Day.

As a pragmatist, I don’t mess around much with the traditional V-day gifts. This year, my list is simple and seems to revolve around the theme, “quit your bitching”. So that’s healthy. And yes, I do see the hypocrisy in me bitching about my husband’s bitching.

1. If I was nursing, my one and only request would be for Mr. Swirley to clean my breast pump equipment. Holy Hell did I love him x infinity when I woke up to  tubes and flanges clean and dry. I imagine it’s like waking up to a view of the ocean or your kid at a sleepover. But I’m not, so scratch it.

2. Disappear our bazilion piles. I’m not a hoarder, but I like to make, move and lament the existence of piles. There exists a perpetual pile of rags next to the basement door ready for laundry. The pile of shoes at the base of the stairs. The pile of recyclables cascading off the counter tops. The Christmas tree (aka pile of needles) still on the front porch. POOF! Gone and  I will love your Chuck Norris lookalike face forevah.

3. Stuck in traffic? Shut your hole. I spend a lot of time in traffic. It’s not Mr. Swirley’s fault, but traffic is an unavoidable part of my day. So when he loses his shit (which equates to breathing heavily and shifting uncomfortably in his seat) the minute we hit traffic on a Saturday afternoon, I decide the day is ruined. Yes, I could change my outlook and try to be a sympathetic partner, but this is my list. I say, lean back, relax and enjoy the new digital billboards polluting gracing the Chicago skyline.

4. Turn off the cursed closet light in the morning. I know you get up at 5 AM to prep for a cold walk to the Metra, an hour train commute, capped by a school bus ride to the office. I also know I am a jerk who gets to sleep in until 6:45 AM, drop our kid off at preschool and work from the comfort of our home. But I don’t care. This Valentine’s Day, turn off that light so I don’t want to punch you in your balaclava-clad face. Not that I would, because it would require me getting out of our warm, deliciously cozy bed on what is likely to be another subzero day.

5. Commit to watching a television series with me. Saying, “meh” when I suggest starting a fun new series like “Veronica Mars” also makes me want to punch you. Or at least flip you off. Let’s pick a series we can look forward to watching after a two-hour bedtime battle with our kid. Then I will probably partake in some binge-watching while you are on a business trip and then lie to your face when you ask why Netflix said its already been viewed. Come on, it’ll be fun.

6. Don’t give me crap about the mess we call a car. Granted, when I got pulled over a few weeks ago, I am pretty sure the cop thought EK and I were treating the car as our home. That said, I drive a lot & we have an SUV; I can fit 10,000 granola bar wrappers in that B before stuff starts falling out when you open the doors.

7. Stop putting Pull-Ups in the bathroom garbage. I don’t know they are there until the stench permeates every fabric upstairs and I want to vomit all over your side of the bed. Or until a guest comes and I am shamefaced. Either way, cut that mess out.

To be fair, Mr. Swirley is entitled to ask me for a few special Valentine’s Day  gifts as well. If he were writing this, I would surmise he would request me to:

1. Shave more than once a never. I am working on perfecting my Chewy call.

2.  Stop scratching my legs, elbows, back, knees, etc. until they bleed. In bed. This is pretty nasty. Even for me.

3.  Stop yelling at him to turn the lights off at 5 AM. It’s dark out for Christ’s sake. Fair enough.

4. Not ignore EK yelling, “I POOPED” until Mr. Swirley has to go into the bathroom to ensure everything is ship-shape. Bahahahahha.

5.  Stop faking that I am asleep EVERY WEEKEND MORNING while Ellis runs amuck. Bahahaha, again.

6. Stop hiding dirty pull-ups under his pillow. See reaction to numbers 4 & 5.

7. Stop making ridiculously stupid (albeit HILARIOUS) jokes around the clock. Fine, they probably are more ridiculous than hilarious. Perhaps so ridiculous they are hilarious? Huh, huh (elbow nudge)?


Or we could ignore V-day like we usually do and stay the course. So…Veronica Mars on Friday, or what?

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