Seven reasons why newborns are the dopeshow

I have a kid. He’s three and currently repeating the phrase, “[j]ust trust me, mom”. It’s awesome. No, no it’s not. But do you know what are? Newborns. Yea, I said it. There are lots of scary mommy posts out there (I am sure I have written my share) about how crazy newborns are. Or more precisely, how bonkers your life gets once that little beast enters joins the fam. However,  if you are lucky enough to spend time with a newborn that is NOT YOUR OWN, you realize just how awesome they are. Or maybe you already knew the below points and I am an idiot. Whatevs.

Last week my good friend Katie Marie let me sneak into her life and help out with her 2 year old and newborn pile of sweetness. While there, I came up with a list of why those tiny biddies are pretty much the best thing on earth.

1. Newborns are lazy. Like super lazy. Eat, poop and sleep. That is pretty much my friend John’s dream lifestyle and he is 35. Yea, they cry. That part sucks. But they generally sleep a ton and you can watch lots of Monk or Overboard on repeat. Or sleep, I guess.

2. They can’t see past their noses. This means that they can’t see just how filthy you are. And even if they could, they don’t know any different. It is nice when they can see as far as the ceiling so they can befriend “Mr. Fan” but still, I don’t like to shower so any newborn who cant see my stringy, greasy hair is alright in my book.

3. They can’t dodge your love. My kid, EK, runs like a banshee out of hell anytime I want to snuggle with him. But with newborns, you can snuggle the shit out of them and they likely won’t say anything because they are sleeping. And because they can’t talk. Suckers.

4. They eat what you give them (most of the time).  Nursing ain’t a breeze. In fact, for many a mama, it’s one of the most difficult things you do as a  new parent; WHY WON’T YOU LATCH ON YOU TINY, RED-FACED MONSTER?. And formula costs more than a private jet…but once you figure out the route that is best for your family, that’s it! No blending of foods in the processor, hemming and hawing over organic versus conventional (or whatever the term is for the poisoned veggies I feed my kid). Just boob/bottle it and you are done. Our nights are now filled with bickering over how many nuggets EK will eat and if he can have more mustard for his blueberries. I miss milk.

5. People are generally nice to you. They might stick their grubby fingers in your kids face but they also open doors a little more often than not, and look kindly upon you and your new family. They ooh and aah that little boo that kept you up all night and tell you how lovely you look. They might be lying, but it’s welcome. And makes you realize that you are indeed succeeding in keeping both baby and yourselves alive…and that is an accomplishment.

6. People are generous.  Holy hell are they so generous. They offer their time, food drop-offs, sitting for your other children, cleaning services (hell yea). AND LOTS OF ADORABLE PRESENTS. In my limited experience, newborns bring out the the most generous side of people who are/were close to you at one time or another. And you, along with your newborn feel loved at a time when you might be a little more insecure than normal.

7. People totally give you a pass on actually showing up at any social event. You said you would go to a friends house for dinner? They probably aren’t counting on it..and you don’t have to feel like a dick for cancelling. Not that I ever did that because a Veronica Mars marathon was on or anything…

I am not saying that you should enjoy every minute because it will be over in a second, blah blah blah, because parenting a newborn is a real bitch. Especially if you like sleep or to bathe. Or to not be a completely insane person. That said,if you have the opportunity to hang out with a fresh baby that you can hand back when it’s time for bed (or are a much more mature person than yours truly), it’s pretty f’ing sweet.

What did you/do you love about newborns?

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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