How to Survive Toddler Tantrums….Or Not.

Toddler tantrums are the pits.

Yesterday my darling baby angel nearly three year melted down in the grocery store. To better the situation my younger son was also crabby and I was buying Midol and cat litter so in case you’re wondering: yes, I was living the dream. Older son’s tantrum was one in a series of about 378 for the day and began because I asked if he wanted to ride in the cart and he said yes and I placed him in the cart. He turned bright red and started screaming so loudly that people looked at us and there was a stress-induced sweat mustache situation beginning. As I scrambled to deal with the situation I tried to think of how to survive tantrums, especially in public.

Here are my thoughts:

-Calmly discuss what your child is feeling and why….except if they are a toddler they probably won’t have a rational reason for their shit fit and you’ll be like, “da fuq happened?”

-Bribe them. I’m far from perfect and, though I definitely don’t do this a lot (even though I am tempted), sometimes I bribe my children not to be demonic. “If you do NOT throw a fit, I will let you have a delicious piece of taffy. Do you want taffy? OK. Don’t be a monster.” If constant bribery wasn’t like a surefire method to raising an asshole, I might employ this tactic way more.

-Skip your public plans and lay on the floor until the madness stops. You might be there for like 4 years though. You might also have to do this again during the teen years because I hear those aren’t super fun either.

-Lay on the store floor and cry along with them to show them how silly it looks. I like to lay on the floor. Also, if you thought strangers staring because your kid is crying was embarrassing this is probably moreso.

-Finally, set boundaries and be open to their feelings. In the tough parenting moments, its hard to remember that these moments will pass and someday you’ll be looking at your grown children wishing they were little for just one more day. It’s hard to be a little kid who can’t fully communicate what they are feeling with so many expectations placed on them. Once I stopped stressing about wandering eyes and being so frustrated that the crying wouldn’t stop, I very calmly told my kiddo that I don’t tolerate this type of behavior and asked him why he was upset. “Me wanted to walk like a big boy.” Internally I’m like: Cool, because you said you wanted to ride in the cart so of course that meant you did NOT want to ride in the cart. CHILDREN ARE UNREASONABLE SOMETIMES. I actually said: If you can calm down, you can walk next to me like a big boy. He chilled out and walked nicely next to me until like thirty minutes later when a banana was too ripe or someone had blueberries in their cart and he lost his mind again, but it was a blissful and sweet half hour. Let’s keep it real some days are just like that…right? Just me? No?

What are your best tips for dealing with toddler tantrums? Can we survive this? Are the kids alright? HALP.

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