Since ObamaCare has been everywhere in the news the past few days, I’ve seen several social media commentaries from those that oppose the health care plan. They vow to move to Canada because they see that “America is falling apart.” Their logic concludes that Canada is a better place for Americans looking for change. I don’t agree that moving to the north is the answer. I have been to Canada at least three times and those trips there have solidified, for me, that Canada sucks!
Let me begin by apologizing to any Canadians that may be living stateside. I know it isn’t your fault that your country sucks and I am sure if you could waive a magic wand to change this, you likely would. I guess you’re here waiting until you’re able to apply for citizenship. So, you can stop reading now and get back to studying for your naturalization exam.
Good Luck (and thanks for Alan Thicke & William Shatner).
Now, Americans, my brothers and sisters! What the hell is wrong with you? What would make you think that Canada is the place to be?
Is it the busloads of people going over the border to get the prescription drugs?
They DO come back, you know?
What about the majestic views of Niagara Falls or the Space Needle in Toronto and the beautiful French architecture in Quebec?
Yes, all very breathtaking, worth seeing..but for the short term.
My gripe with Canada is less political and more common sense…which the country appears to lack.
Before you jump to conclusions, let me tell you that my argument has some solidly based experiences backing it. These are the things that make me happy to be American.
As an American, I know that…
Food Needs Flavor:
I am not sure what Canadian Cuisine (I am not talking French (Quebec), Indian, Italian) is going for in regards to flavor but something is truly missing.
Typical Canadian fare reminds me of English food but with even less flavor(yes, it’s possible).
Think of regular fish & chips but with a cigarette put out on them. That’s how I imagine it because in Canada, it all has been doused in malt vinegar.
If you’re feeling really frisky, you could have your french fries with thick, greasy gravy on top.
And if that doesn’t tickle your fancy, you could try Canadian bacon, which really isn’t bacon at all.
It’s ham..just ham, dammit.
Canadians Sound Funny When They Sing:
Sarah McLachlan and Celine Dion are lovely women. Yet, inquiring minds want to know: Why do they sound like they have a huge bubble in their throats when they sing?
It’s like a pseudo-yodel but not cool like Dolores O’Riordian’s.
You know how it is: you say something and your voice sounds weird because you have a phlegm bubble there. It’s funny, you laugh about it but it goes away.
Celine and Sarah’s throat bubble never goes away.
I often wonder if using Sarah’s song, “In The Arms of An Angel” during those animal cruelty commercials has resulted in more people just changing the channel to be rid of the yodeling instead of giving?
Canadians Don’t Think Like Us:
I am sure I’ll get a lot of flack on this one but I have to get it off of my chest. It seems to me that Canadians have a different way of thinking that doesn’t seem to incorporate any form of common sense:
We went to a crowded pancake house there in Toronto and we were in a group of five.
We were greeted by the waitress who then asked, “How many of ya?” I replied, “Five.”
She then proceeded to look around the restaurant and turned back to us and asked, “Do you all want to sit together?”
I thought she was joking and burst into a hearty laugh only to become embarrassed once I found she was serious.
“Ugh, preferably, we would like to sit together.”, I sheepishly answered.
My cheeks hurt from the forced smile I had fighting back more laughter.
Seemingly pissed, the waitress sucked her teeth and found us a large enough table.
After being seated, we overheard the same waitress asking a couple with 3 kids the same thing.
Are the kids to sit at one table and the parents at another?
What the hell are they teaching in the classrooms over there?
The nightmare didn’t end:
Being searched by border patrol, we were detained and interrogated for what seemed like hours. The officer asked when I had last been to Canada and I told him about 5 years prior.
He then asked what I did on my trip 5 years ago and I mentioned that I went to the casino.
With a stern face, he asked me how my husband and I knew each other.
“We live in the same house, Sir.”
The officer’s face got red and he asked about our friends, another couple who was traveling with us, “How do you know them.”
I replied, “We’re friends, Sir.”
“How do they know each other?”, he asked.
My friend starts to answer and he cuts her off, “I asked the other woman (referring to me), not you?”
The whole while I am thinking, “How the hell am I supposed to know how THEY met?”
“Am I being punked, Sir? Is this a f*cking joke?”, I said, irritated.
Imagine this same song and dance for another 45 minutes and we were on our best behavior. It’s like watching Mike Tyson on Jeopardy: You’re afraid to tell him he’s wrong for fear he’ll beat the sh*t out of you.
After being allowed entry into Canada, we contemplated turning the van around with signs saying, “Canada Sucks Balls!” and then high-tailing it back to the U.S. We were afraid that we’d be breaking some sort of law so we decided against it.
Anyhow, did I mention that Canadians lack common sense?
Canadians Tax The Hell Out Of You:
The Queen has taught Canada the art of pimping the commoner. Everything is taxed several times over!
There’s a provincial tax, a government tax, a liquor tax (10%), a lodging tax (4-5%). So, even if a Canadian dollar = $1 to every .98 of an American dollar (which it is), you are still paying much more in Canada.
Let’s say, you buy a steak dinner for $25 CD and buy a beer for $4 CD, you rent a room for $100 CD. Your total is $129 CD. However, you will pay .40 tax for the beer, $40 tax for the room BEFORE any provincial tax and/or government tax is added. You just paid well over 10 times the tax you would have paid in the tax circus we know here in Chicago.
Your money would do better in Mexico.
Hopefully, I have stopped you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Canada is not the place to go if you are seeking reform. We live in a land of free speech and your voice is a strong weapon against anything that you feel needs change.
Fight for that change here before going to a country that finds women singing through phlegm throat bubbles the best thing since sliced Canadian bacon (which is ham, dammit).
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