I feel people sometimes get so caught up in the illusion of the first time that we forget this isn’t actually the first time this has been performed. Now, I’m not a PR Specialist (actually, I own a web design company in the suburbs of Chicago) but I know there are some out there. However, there are others as well. Managers, choreographers, band managers, set designers and a shit ton of other people responsible for helping portray a positive public image of this individual. That’s their job!
That’s….their JOB! And after last night’s stunning performance, on behalf of the cast of So You Have A Girlfriend, I thought I’d offer our advice for how Miley could have improved her performance. For the next 2 minutes of your life, I am, Miley Cyrus’ new manager.
#1) Be Birthed by the Bear
Stepping out of a bear, mounting the side of it while sticking your tongue out is cool and all, but then you have to walk down stairs?! C’mon. Fire the guy who didn’t think of her sliding out from between the bears’ legs covered in some kind of placenta-esque goo.
#2) Decide on Genus and Species Name
I’m cool with the bear thing, but now, sweetheart, you’ve gotta make up your mind. You came out of the bear and you’re on stage dancing with bears….so, are you yourself a bear? Is this the inner bear in you trying to stand out? Just tell us Miley….just tell us. And why do they look….ya know what? Not now.
#3) Keep Your Tongue in Your Mouth
Listen, I get it, he’s a real sweet guy who’s been in this business a long time, and it was a great move…40yrs ago. It’s just, we cannot continue to let Gene Simmons be Executive Choreographer on this project. Next thing you’ll know he’ll be asking you to touch yourself with a giant foam finger. He always had a thing for that.
#4) Don’t Twerk in Front of Girls Who Can Twerk
This is like putting up a picture of yourself and your hot friend on your dating profile to get more views. You think, “oh, she’s so pretty, they’re gonna see her, but then contact me.” No bitch, the first thing guys say to themselves when they see a picture like that is, “oh, she’s definitely the ugly one.” Let THEM Twerk, you claim the credit. You think Sir-Mix-A-Lot had a fat ass? Hell naw, but he’s the first person you think of when you see one.
#5) Keep the Audience Entertained
Same way the Nielsen system uses generalizations to calculate ratings, we need to be doing also, Miley. So, if according to Nielsen*, 1 TV viewer is equal to 30,000 people. That makes 1 bored ass Drake equal to 90,000 people. 90,000 people, Miley!!! We can’t have that. If we lose Drake, we lose all of Toronto.
Wait, really?! Drake is from Toronto?! Ha! Weeeeird. Just had to look that up to finish that joke and saw that’s where he’s from. Drake, bad boy, from the streets of…Toronto!….Canada!!…..yeah!……eh?!
#6) Bears That Are Less Stoned
I mean, I’ve been trying to push past this since number 2, but I just can’t anymore. We just…I mean, c’mon, Miley. We just can’t have this. Things that look drugged out funny, look that way because they’re not MEANT to look that way. All our set designer here did was make bears that intentionally look drugged! We needed to grab any one of the people asking for change down on Michigan Ave and asked THEM to design a teddy bear. That’s how you get a cracked out looking teddy bear.
#7) NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THIS IS!
Why is this broad so damn tall?! Who is she? What is she suppose to be?!! Where did she come from?! WHO did she come from?! Shaq?! Is that an exaggerated ass, or actual size? Is she really two midgets standing on each other’s shoulders?! That’s…that’s actually it? Isn’t it?! But above all this…just, whyyyyyy are we sticking your face near it with that damn tongue out again?!
#8) Enforce a Strict “No Entry” During Performances Rule
Middle of the set, nice wide shot showing the crowd, and here’s some lady coming back from the bathroom. Like, I don’t mean to call her out here, I’m sure she’s really nice, but if she had to go, there should have been an usher (or THE Usher, either one) being like, “Yooooo, hold up lady. We’ve got a performance going on.”
#9) None of THIS!
No! Just, no. You’re not gonna go around grabbing your crotch. It worked for Michael Jackson, it’s laid to rest with Michael Jackson. It doesn’t make you look like some bad ass little punker chick. It makes you look like the chick bad ass little punker chicks made fun of because you thought they walked around grabbing their crotch all the time. No. Just, no. PLUS, it doesn’t help that it looks like you have…ya know! I mean, remember those Gaga rumors, we don’t want that.
#10) Dammit!!! What Did I SAY About the Giant Foam Finger?!
I get it, it’s part of the Robin Thicke video, but what the hell does that have to do with you?! And why are you singing his song?! That’s his song! Not your song. You just sang your song. If he wants to sing his song and you want to dance around him, go for it. But maybe, like, what if you’re singing his favorite lines? And you’re not even doing it well.
#11) Don’t Let the Guest Look Cooler Than You
Miley, Miley, Miley, what are we DOING?! YOU are the star?! Now you’re parading around Robin Thicke like some kind of call girl?! Rubbing the foam finger against his junk. Like, THIS is the kind of things all those I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T women get upset about. We’re better than this.
#12) Be the Role Model We All Want You To Be
Man oh man, we’ve gotta have a quick talk here. We’ve gotta talk about right and wrong, two basic principles, Miley. So, let’s say by some terrible occurrence, Kate Hudson were left to look after 3 children when her sister and brother-in-law died in a terrible car crash. The RIGHT thing to do here, is the job she now has to do, raising those 3 kids. The wrong thing to do, which she almost does, is to lose those kids and live a life of selfishness.
Miley, you’re a role model whether you like it or not. And now, I know when you were growing up you didn’t have the best role models to look up to, but wouldn’t it be cool if girls today really did. A lot of parents entrusted their children to a program that made you what you are today. Don’t repay them like this!
It’s not too late, and if you need a little help, I’m always available for hire.
* – I don’t actually know how Nielsen measures their ratings, I think I got this statistic from an episode of Family Guy
[Behind-the-Scenes] Crafting The Miley Cyrus VMA Media Explosion
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Filed under: Tips for Life