It’s everywhere these days. The whole damn world is trying to find you someone to be with. And you want to know why? You’re a lot more pleasant to be around when you’re actually getting laid.
Sure the magical land of 2012 is here, and things you saw Sandra Bullock do in “The Net” are entirely possible. Not only can you order a pizza online, but if you are THAT impatient of a $%&# that you can’t even wait for it to be delivered and you want to “track” it as it’s being made, YOU CAN. The internet is our connection to the world. In the early 2000s, sure, it was still kind of for the nerds. 2012…it’s everywhere. At your desk, on your phone, on your TV, everything is online. You search for food, events, stories, jobs…so why wouldn’t you search for someone to be with, in the comfort of your own home, on your own damn terms?!
I feel like there are some common misconceptions these days about online dating. So to address what it is today, I feel like we need to talk about what it’s not. It is not this:
Absolutely not that!!! BUT that right there seems to be the preconceived notion that people already have about “online” dating. Well…that and the rapes…and murders…but moreso that. Let’s….let’s try and break that, shall we.
Online Dating is For Losers
Oh, dude, absolutely! You are 100% correct. Winners would rather end up with someone they “tolerate”, probably accidentally knocked up and living the rest of their life thinking life sucks and talking about how marriage is absolutely the worst thing you could do to yourself. Sign me up!!! Sounds hot. <sarcasm>I’d much rather just settle and marry someone?! Pffft. Not like all those losers looking online for people that actually have similar interests! Pffffft! How stupid. I’ll tell you about similar interests…I like getting drunk and so does the girl at the other end of the bar sipping her drink, smiling at me and twirling the chunks of throw-up in hair. THERE is a similar interest. Pfffft! Losers.</sarcasm>
I’d Rather Meet Someone in Person
Because you enter into an entire relationship without ever meeting the person?!? What are you high?! You MEET the person. You’re just using the website as a facilitator. In the old days, it’d be your friends saying, “hey, there’s this cutie at Dave’s office. You should meet ’em.” You don’t have that today. Shit, you probably barely have any actual friends. And if you do, are they really bring around new people for you to meet? Probably not. So don’t you think you could use a little outside help?
You use a dating website to find someone who interests you. You’re not proposing via satellite to a person you’ve never met. Jesus, get over yourself!
I Meet Enough New People
Like hell you do! Now you’re just being stupid. Remember when you were younger? There were all kinds of new places to meet people. You had school, after school activities, overnighters, sporting events at different schools…OH! Remember the person who was dating someone from another school in High School?! That was awesome! They were going to another school’s homecoming or something. Or they’d talk about bringing their date to your school’s event.
Or college?! Dude, college! If you went, you were probably a whore…most college kids are. And if you went and you weren’t a whore, then you’re probably still single. You sleep around, maybe get some crotch rot, get some medicine to get rid of it and you’re back out the next weekend. Learning what you like, what you don’t like. By the end of it, you’ve had such an influx of people in and out of your life, or body, that you end up settling on one you want to be with.
DID YOU KNOW that 78% of all married couples attended the same college as their spouse?! Did you also know that I just lied out of my ass and made that up. Cuz I did!
I’m Not That Desperate
Oh, because you’re embarrassed someone might see you on there?! Oh no, you’re trying to find someone to be with. Balls! Can you believe other people are going to know that you’d like to find someone to be with?! That’s…..phew, that’s just ridic. You’re right, probably shouldn’t get that out there.
STFU! It’s not about being desperate. Everyone who uses online dating isn’t desperate. How many times have you, or maybe a friend, said, “I’m not going to meet the person I’m going to marry at a bar or club”?! Because people at bars are whores or douches. It’s a good thing there are so many other places to meet people when you’re an adult. Liiiiike, the Wendy’s drive-thru, because you refuse to even get out of your car to go in. Orrrrrr, the grocery store…where you use the self checkout because you don’t feel like dealing with the person behind the register. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll meet someone in the 2 minutes you’re spending outside of a Redbox picking out a movie for the night…if you haven’t already used the app to reserve it on your phone to TRULY limit the amount of time you could possibly spend outside of your car engaging with fellow movie watchers.
You have a limited scope to the number of people you interact with. Putting your profile up on a dating website at least let’s other people find you if they want. THEN you can decide whether or not you want to talk to them. You don’t even HAVE to. Shit, you can block them from even being able to see your stuff.
I’m Just Not Going to Use Online Dating
You’re right, that’s probably for the best. Why would you want to find someone to be with?! I mean, if you’re looking for a job you put your resumé up online. Maybe even post to your facebook about it. And hey, I think it’s great that money is more important to you than finding someone to be with. I mean…pffft, money…you can cuddle with money at night. Talk to money about all the things you want to do with your life. Cry on money when times are hard.
Stop being so stubborn about it. It’s 2012. The idea of finding someone online isn’t for “losers” anymore. There is an entire sect of people who are just sick of bullshit relationships and want to find someone that genuinely makes them happy. And dude, attractive people! It’s not all the rejects anymore.
Here’s the way I look at it too. I meet a lot of different people. Friends of friends, people from the band I’m with, even now, fans of SoYouHaveAGirlfriend.com and I STILL have an online dating profile up. I’m just a regular dude trying to find that chick who does it for me. I obviously haven’t found her yet between touring the entire nation, going to college, Vegas strip clubs (though, I thought I had), WHEREVER! I feel like I have had a lot of exposure and I’m still looking. Maybe it’s me…but c’mon….C’mon! So if I’m out there using it, I’m hoping there’s a girl out there probably just like me who’s on it too.
So now…go sign up for free at OkCupid. It’s free, the design is well done. Hell, you can even browse for people while taking a poop from their phone app. Dude, find me and send me a message telling me that I inspired you to sign up. Just stop being stupid about it and put your profile out there. Now. Now….NOW.
[Ep 13] So You Have A Girlfriend You Met Online
My cast mates don’t share my same enthusiasm for online dating, but they’ve got some good points too. Check out our latest episode.