Put the Toilet Seat Down?! You Put the Seat UP!

Put the Toilet Seat Down?! You Put the Seat UP!

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Let’s…let’s just, talk. You and I. Me and you. Us. Let us talk. Now me, I’m chauvinistically chivalrous, which if you think about the term, is actually quite fitting. I believe in opening the doors, paying, shit, I really respect you. I’m…I’m kind of a sweetheart, and here’s why, I’m all golden rule, baby. I’ll treat you the same way I’d want to be treated.

Which brings us….to the toilet seat. And here’s the thing…I’m not arguing against it because that’s the way I feel…this…this is fact! So buckle your shit. It’s time to change your ways.

Don’t you want a clean sitting surface?

gross-toilet-seatJust for the record…that question, rhetorical. Damn near sarcastic. Of course you do! Here’s the thing you’ll pull as women though, you’re waiting for the change. You think, “well, when we move in together, he’ll have to get his act in order or he can pack it right back up and get out.” C’mon…C’MON! You know that’s not true. Instead, you’re going to strive for “change”. First off, good luck. Second off, c’mon!

The vast majority of guys do not put the seat up when they pee. Too lazy, weren’t raised that way and don’t care enough. I remember being younger and hoping for a longer…ya know, just so it could reach over the seat for the simple reason of NOT having to put it up when I peed. And I KNOW I’m not the only one.

More than the splash-back under the seat, we’re talking about dripping on the seat, splashes on the top…sure it’s sterile, but I learned, that doesn’t mean it’s clean. So wouldn’t YOU rather know you’re sitting on a clean surface. This shit is like Smokey the Bear, only YOU can prevent butt diseases from unclean toilet seats.


If the seat’s up, we can pee. If the seat’s down, we can pee. If the lid is down and we’re drunk enough, we’ll STILL pee. We don’t care. When we live by ourselves, maybe the seat is up when we pee, but you know what we do when we’ve gotta make some number 2? We put the seat down.

WE, as men, do not need the seat up. YOU need the seat down. So yes, perhaps as a gentleman we can cater to your needs, but then recognize it as that, dammit! It’s a kind gesture which should be rewarded with some kind of sexual gratification. YES, EVERYTIME you see the seat down we should be rewarded.

In all seriousness, just face the logistics here. You need the seat down, YOU should put it down.

One Hand Washes the Other

No, not like in a “we’ll help you out and put the seat down kind of way”, I mean you literally have to wash your hands when you’re done peeing. You’ve gotta take the toilet paper, do the whole front-to-back thing so you’re not wiping the poop in your lady hole (“crotch rot, is what they call it” – @DrBarbarella). And frankly, ladies, you’re more hygienic than dudes. Me? I’m a hand-washer. Damn near OCD about it. 90% of the dudes I see in public bathrooms though, not hand-washers (think about THAT the next time a dude hands you a drink at a bar).

michael-j-foxSo if you’re doing your wipe thing…why not just touch the toilet seat anyway. You’re FOR SURE going to wash your hands. Dudes, ehhh not so much. You’ve got a better chance at the craps table with Michael J. Fox. Besides, who KNOWS what’s lingering down there and if we touch it, and spread it….black plague. All over again. Do you really want the world to get bubonic on your ass just because you asked us to put the seat down. You think about that! You think about that real hard.

Now, Go Change the World

Eric Clapton wanted to change the world. He wanted to be the sunlight in MY universe. But that can’t happen! Physics debate regarding the deconstruction of mass into particles of sunshine aside, for all of his greatness, the man was not able to change the world after all these years. You though…you can start right now. Ladies, just like you rose to the occasion when needed in times of war. You sold war bonds, you…made metals, you played baseball. You…can put the seat up. I believe in you. #empowered

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  • LOL! I totally agree with this actually; I'm kind of surprised more men don't say this! For the record: I ALWAYS put the seat back up when visiting a guy's house...it's only fair.

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    This is absolutely brilliant! Also I completely agree, the less things our unhygienic dude-friends touch, the better! I lived with a dude for a year, and didn't care about the toilet seat being up or down, I'm perfectly capable of moving it myself. The not-flushing thing was upsetting, though.

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