By A Comeaux
What’s amazing is how deeply my heart can break beyond comprehension.
This season, this last 6 months, took my best sister-friend, my partner who I loved with my soul and my first pal/parent who I’ve adored more than anything my whole life.
I type this at the breaking of my levee.
I’ve held on to his secrets. I’ve held these broken pieces of my heart with no understanding why Love went left. I’ve held my tongue hearing lies on why my sister-friend would ruin us with no grounds. Until today.
I haven’t used liquor, sex or toxic affiliations to soothe a daily pain that I’ve walked around with for months. I’ve had to mother under this sadness. I’ve had to work under this guise of being okay.
I’ve shown up sparingly but trust it took EVERYTHING in my will to smile and persevere. I’ve yet remained positive and hopeful that a smile will shine to the depths of my heart that a love, from a friend, partner or parent would mend.
Nothing but cold, brisk truth that these three beings are gone from my life as I know it and their damages are beyond my repair.
I’m exhausted and weary and today I’ll let go. I thought crying for 74 days was enough. I thought staying positive was enough. But I am empty and furious, and I have no sound words for deaf ears.
I will now resort to silence.
Trust this is not about me or anything that will harm me. I will mother. I will take care of our business. But I will go silent otherwise. I have nothing to offer beyond absolute life demands–a shell of sorts.
A familiar picture of my crew, my heart, my road dawg, burning an indelible mark on my heart and the pieces to dust in my disdain.
I’m furious with agony. I know not what to believe in beyond a God within to keep me. I know not a thought I can delve into for solace for this beat that my faintly beating heart is dancing to.
I’m gliding across the floor in the remnants of when it made sense. I was certain of these beautifully imperfect souls who somehow found and loved me. But the ties that bind are those that break one’s spirit. My devastation is the understatement to the explanation of “I’m sorry”, “I can’t do it,” “I just need one more…”
I, a spoken word artist and author is at an utter and complete lost for words. But in the wandering of verbs I speak my spirit song. ‘I got you & God got us.’ I don’t need anything. There are no consolation prizes for the originals.
There’s nothing to be done for the dead. Honor the memory when it was sweet and hold the lessons that you paid for in blood. It’s peace. It’s a costly price, indeed. I’ll be back but right now I need to hold me.
Holding on to the earth.
Nothing makes sense and I’m out of excuses no one had the decency to even fake. Excuses are only for those in denial and everyone who’s left knew exactly where they were going and why.
I needed a clearing. I needed to change all the names on all of me and my son’s emergency contacts; that’s when you know it’s real. When the only reliable soul whose fire burns like yours in reach is the mother you seem to unceasingly burden. G. I can’t have Everyone call my damn mama! No lol. But high key. That’s it on my list and that alone prompts a fierce vengeance in my eyes that I could laser the impenetrable layers of deceit with…
but God won’t let me reign my low vows.
God within retrieved me from mouths I fed my innocence to. God said Not Her when I offered my safety to starving lions preying on my knees. So, I owe God, Me. My Best is my fight for the only life my sweet mother will ever create. The life God saw fit to grant a Sun, rising with beaming rays daily. So, I’ve got a price to repay. Overflowing with gratitude to witness trials with an earned triumph.
This ain’t about me. This is about the whole world as I know it on the ride of my lifetime and some of my favs can’t go.
Like, a journey, and you go through certain changes and lose things. Like you get to the gate only to look back to see your homie can’t come in.
‘Alone I stand. Alone I’ll rise.
I’m A Comeaux and I’m holding on to the earth, in solitude.
may you be well, may your time hold your purpose, may health nurture your life, may love enthrall you, may your peace abound.
I Life You. I See You. I Am You. Ashé