The Biggest Love LIE We Tell

The Biggest Love LIE We Tell
Posed by professional models.

“The LIES that Bind” Part 1

by Debrena Jackson Gandy

I was infected with the female Love Lies and didn’t even know it.

After 10 years of marriage, my marriage descended into a valley, where my husband and I were on a path to crashing, burning and becoming yet another divorce statistic. For the next four years we tried to “save” our relationship. We tried therapy, counseling, sessions with different pastors, prayer and support from others, reading a variety of recommended books – and at the end of four years, we were both tired, emotionally drained, and ready to call it quits.

What I came to realize after a final round of soul-searching was that I had been duped and bamboozled, along with millions of other women, single and married, socialized here in the U. S, by several decades of faulty, fraudulent American-Western conditioning about love relationships.

I had been unknowingly poisoned by a set of flawed, faulty relationship beliefs working within me, specific to women, that wreaked havoc in my marriage – damaging, relationship-destructing beliefs I call the female Love Lies.

I excavated 10 core female Love Lies, and began a personal “detox” process that required me to be ruthless about truth-telling, forgiveness, and acknowledging my contribution to our relationships demise. “Detoxing” myself, one by one, from the female Love Lies created a transformation first in me, and ultimately in my marriage, to now, at 22 years and counting, our relationship is JUICY and better than ever!

The First Love Lie EXPOSED
Listen to how we talk about love, write about love and sing about love. Look at how it’s portrayed in chick flicks, sitcoms, romance novels, and magazines articles. In our ignorance, we treat love like a thing to be sought out and found, in another. We treat love like an acquisition that you acquire after an incessant hunt or search for The One or Mr Right that is supposed to have “it.”

So what is Love Lie #1? It is: LOVE IS FOUND (outside of yourself, in another)

Actually, love is a force and an energy that is built into our design as human beings that is to be recognized, acknowledged, and experienced within oneself first. It can’t be taken or forced from another, otherwise it devolves into something else – attachment, dependency, or control – but not love. Yes, we’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places – outside of ourselves. Once we look within, we’ll “find” it, and then and only then, can it be shared and extended to another.

debragandyDebrena Jackson Gandy is a national best-selling author of three books, with her newest The Love Lies, recognized as the definitive guidebook to the new relationships paradigm.  She is also a speaker, success coach, Relationships Readiness Coach, Founder of the Love Academy, and Creator of the Modern Courtship Movement.  She’s been featured in magazines such as Oprah’s O, Essence, Ebony, and Woman’s Day, as well as seen on TV on CNN, Good Day New York, The Better Show, and Good Morning Texas. She is a popular radio show guest and guest blogger, has been featured on sites such as Oprah’s O,, and, and is a TV show host on TBN’s Public Report  at station KTBW in Seattle-Tacoma.

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