Memoir: The 2 Faces of a Preacher's Wife

Memoir: The 2 Faces of a Preacher's Wife
Follow Toni on Twitter @ToniSpearman1

By Toni J. Spearman

The 2 Faces of a Preacher’s Wife is a memoir of an ex-pastor’s wife who struggled with her identity as a woman, a first lady and a child of God. It details a journey of childhood abuse that resulted in her embracing an alternative lifestyle despite the teachings of the church and the Bible. This book chronicles the before, during and after effects of a woman transitioning into the gay lifestyle.

It concludes, however, with a beautiful awakening of self-discovery, found only in a relationship with Jesus Christ.

This is my journey. This is my story.


Excerpt: Chapter Three

Something Wicked Cometh


    Spending time with Gina began to “open up a can of worms” that had been dormant in my subconscious for years. What started out as a periodic Friday night sleep-over turned into a very frequent, every other week occurrence. And the sofa turned into her full-size bed. There were nights when I slept in a puddle of perspiration and a heart beating madly in my chest.

I was in agony in the worst way. That ‘thing’ that had touched me as a little girl was not dead, but in fact, very much alive. Actually, it seemed more alive today than ever. As a young girl I had only dreamed of this moment, but as an adult I am now living this moment.

Dear God.

    Yet, because of my spiritual conviction and my fear of tapping into that which was prohibited, I never once told Gina how I really felt. There were times when we would embrace, I was certain she could see the thoughts that were so vivid in my head. They were so alive and audible, it was as if they spoke with a voice all their own.  

This was the beginning of an affection that spiraled into an insatiable hunger for the forbidden.

I was married at this time, a young wife of 19, who being unfulfilled in my marriage, pursued an affair that lasted well over five years.

I decided to tell my story as transparently as I could, because there are so many young men and women, who are searching for their true identities. Consequently, they will conform and live out the identity that others place on them, until they realize who they really are according to God’s original design.

The 2 Faces of a Preacher’s Wife may be controversial in nature but I tried very hard not to make it a book oozing with scriptures, thus turning away those who are not on that level, but also not too explicit as to turn off the Christian who may be struggling in this area as well. It’s simply my story told candidly and honestly.

I experienced every stage of the gay life, from:

Initiation to

Exploration to

Conformation, and ultimately


Living through this journey was one thing but writing about this journey was phenomenal because writing about it caused me to re-live it, yet, from a different perspective. A changed heart and a changed mind. My hope is that readers will come embrace the unique individual they were created to be and allow God’s love to heal their souls and eradicate all the broken places in their past, just like he did mine.

The 2 Faces of a Preacher’s Wife is available now.

Toni J. Spearman is an author, editor and Life Coach in West Texas. Follow her on Twitter at ToniSpearman1

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