by Gina B.
Relationships can be very sneaky. You think you’re in a real partnership, and one day you realize that it’s not what you think it is.
Maybe you hadn’t noticed that you only see your “boyfriend” between the hours of midnight and 7:00 am, and you suddenly determine that you’re not a girlfriend; you’re a booty call. OR what you’re in has all of the symptoms of a real relationship, yet there are things missing. There are no future plans volunteered. There are no real titles. Nothing is wrong, but there are so many things that aren’t right. Again, you’re not a girlfriend with promise for anything more; you’re a placeholder.
It isn’t that he doesn’t like you – but he doesn’t love you either. He might like you just fine. He enjoys spending time with you. You talk and laugh together, and you’re primarily compatible. The two of you engage in all of the activities of a normal couple. But somehow he makes it very clear that there will be no forward progression. No future. You know in your heart that you don’t have his full attention, and you might linger in this quasi-relationship with the hope that he’ll “come around.”
If you’re not sure whether you’re a placeholder, look for the following warning signs:
- The quickest way to shut him up is to ask “what are we doing?”
- He refuses to refer to you as his girlfriend, saying that he doesn’t “believe in” titles.
- He has told you that he doesn’t want to be in a “real” relationship.
- Your relationship has ambled along for a substantial amount of time, with no real commitment.
- You might not have met his family, and if you have, he was very ambiguous and unspecific about your placement in his life.
- You’re his date for some things, but not everything.
- He makes important decisions without consideration of your relationship.
- When you talk about your futures, they aren’t aligned (e.g., he wants to live on the East Coast, while you want to remain in the Midwest. You want two kids, and he’s undecided on the concept of fatherhood).
- He confuses you. There are some days when he can be the consummate boyfriend. Other days, he’s distant and disinterested.
- You’re reading this list, considering your own relationship. Usually, if you think you’re a placeholder? You’re a placeholder.
So, what to do?
You have choices, but one of them is NOT changing his mind. This is a tough pill to swallow, but no matter how much you’re there for him, support him, cook for him, or provide mind-blowing sex, you will never be more than a placeholder. He may or may not be consciously aware that you’re not the right person for him, but his behavior speaks volumes.
You have a few options:
- Come to terms with the fact he isn’t your soul-mate, and counter-use him as a placeholder for the time being.
- Move on, and leave yourself open for a real relationship with a person who will give you prominent placement in his life and heart.
Have you ever been a placeholder? Leave a comment, and tell us how you handled it.
Also, ladies, please come out to Explorgasm next Wednesday, July 31st after work from 6:00 – 9:00pm. You won’t be sorry!
Details here: http://explorgasm.eventbrite.com/