Relationship Fail: Losing Yourself to Become the Woman He Wants

By Liz Lampkin

Ladies, how many times have we, or do we alter our appearance, schedules, attitudes and or beliefs when we embark upon a new man and a new relationship?

How many times have we cancelled previous plans with our girls to meet up with a man at the last minute, or better yet, how many times have we compromised our morals, values, beliefs and virtues for the tender affections of a man for the sake of being in a relationship?

Why do we do these things ladies? Why do we have the tendency to change who we are for the mere satisfaction of saying “I have a man,” or for reaching the status of being in a relationship?

The answer is simple:  We alter our schedules, lives, appearance and personalities for men and relationships because we are not confident in who we truly are, and we are afraid of being alone; and we are not confident in who we are because we have not taken the time to really learn who we are as women in God’s Divine Creation.

I emphasized the ‘in’ because many women are confident in what they look like, they are confident on their jobs and careers, so on and so on, but many women lack confidence in who they truly are because they don’t know who they are from the inside out.

Lacking knowledge of one’s self causes a person to adopt the chameleon syndrome and change to adapt to someone else’s thoughts, beliefs and lifestyle.

Many women do this more often than not when in relationships because they want to please the men they are in relationships with, subconsciously hoping that the relationship will end in marriage.

I remember one summer I was dating a guy that I met at a small gathering while on summer vacation from my undergraduate studies.  He was physically attractive, had a nice car and a seemingly promising financial future.  After a few casual conversations over the phone, we decided to spend more time together face-to-face before my summer vacation was over.  We were walking one afternoon, holding hands, exchanging slight kisses and engaging in conversation. 

It was a pleasant afternoon that ended to soon, but not a moment before I made the foolish mistake of asking him what he was looking for in a mate.  As he began to give me his list of items he desired in a woman, I lifted my ears and tuned in to hear every word he said as if I were a hound dog!

Not only was I fiercely listening to everything he said, but I took intricate mental notes so I could remember absolutely everything he said.  Once I comprehended the things he said, I instantly took on the character of the woman he was describing, and it clearly was not me! 

Nonetheless, I still tried to be who he wanted me to be rather than being myself. 

Needless to say things did not work out with “Mr. Summer Break” and me, but from this brief experience I quickly saw myself slipping into the character of what a man wanted rather than being who I was.  As I look back on that experience I asked myself why this happened, and I came to the conclusion that this happened so easily because at that particular time in my life I did not have the relationship with God that I have presently, I did I know who I was a woman, and I did not take the time to get to know who I was and who I was growing to be.

Since that relationship and others have ended, I’ve learned two valuable lessons; I’ve learned to never ask a man what he wants in a woman-why? Because I can only be the woman God created me to be and if I am who he wants, he’ll let me know by his actions; the other valuable lesson I’ve learned is to learn more about who I am as I continue to grow in God’s grace and embrace everything about who I am both good and bad, and to be that person in and out of romantic, casual or long-term relationships and friendships.

I’m glad I learned the value of self-knowledge because this knowledge will stay with me forever.

Ladies I challenge you to take some time to get to know who you truly are, for you are a being created like no other, but if you don’t know who you are, then you won’t know who to be.

Start today on your journey of self-knowledge by getting to know your Divine Creator and the rest will flow. Be true to yourself in and out of any relationship. Reflect and grow in who you are as the woman God Created you to be, and as you reflect and grow ask yourself, what are the unique traits within me that distinguish me from other women?

And be true to you.

Liz Lampkin writes for and is the author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow Liz on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin

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