Sorry, girls, we can’t always take a random, confused road trip to everybody’s hometowns. Farmer Chris’ visit to your’s is actually going to be planned.
On the bright side, Chris’ journey to these girls’ hometowns should be more exciting than their trip to Arlington, Iowa, where the hottest local girl was a tumbleweed. On the bad side, these are hours four and five of a two-day event The Bachelor advertises as an “extravaganza,” but in reality, feels more like time is ticking by on Miller’s Planet.
Farmer Chris is not going to live in any of these other hometowns. Although he’s admitted he had to go beyond the ninety-minute drive to Arlington’s closest movie theater to find a potential wife, once his quest is complete, he plans to return right back from whence he came: To till the soil, plow the fields and raise the livestock as his loving wife decays on the couch watching Netflix from spotty WiFi connection.
So the girls can relax somewhat. They don’t need to sell him on any location, just use the platform as a way to show off all the final intimate secrets that fed the roots which sprouted the present-day grown up girls. Perhaps one girl has a childlike fantasy of song recording. Possibly, another girl has a secret lack of sexual experience. Maybe even another has published nude photographs that are one quick Google search from a wandering horny family member’s shocking discovery. Those are all hypothetical scenarios, of course. I’m just spitballing, here.
But first, we have to find out which hometowns we are going to. Will Becca impress on her final one-on-one? Does it even matter or did Britt blow it with her group date blow up?
Last Week’s Last One-on-One: Becca the Secret Virgin
Becca and Chris meet and hug one of those hands-high-on-the-upper-back hugs that avoids any sexual confusion and makes me think they’re siblings visiting for the weekend instead of potential lovers. They meet in Des Moines, and I’m already excited to watch Farmer Chris insist they take the long routes walking to avoid the giant mural of him kissing Whitney.
Boom. Just as I expected, the best way to keep Becca’s eyes off the street art is to keep her off the streets. Instead he takes her to his loft, where they sit on the couch for a relaxing date of Chris explaining how he likes her because he hasn’t had to take her on “you know, Italy, Belgium, fancy” dates. Look, ladies, you can’t expect a sense of extravagance from somebody who feeds his animals and plants the same bland gruel every morning.
Becca tells Chris that she’s never been “in love.” Her longest relationship was on and off for four years, and she “loved him as a person” but never could see her ex as her husband. Chris sees the red flags and asks if she thinks she can see him as her husband. “I don’t think it’s realistic to say that if you propose today, that I’d say yes.” She mumbles on about how she “really likes” Chris, is confused, wants to introduce her family, and ends with admitting she “feels a little bit more than I expected.”
Chris eats up Becca’s hard-to-get game, and countermoves with his husband game of inviting her to slow dance and kiss on the roof, overlooking the beautiful for Des Moines sunset.
Back at the house, the Carly, Jade and Whitney are still worked up over the Britt drama. I’m not sure if the producers whisper or Britt’s nose starts itching, but she arrives just at the peak of the girls’ verbal assault. Between Britt and Kelsey, for some reason, this season’s girls have a knack for showing up just at the wrong time.
Britt pops on the couch like a smiley Sporty Spice and pries, “What’s everybody talking about?” Whitney deflects, and Britt chuckles before announcing that she just packed her stuff and she thinks she’s going to leave tomorrow.
The girls think Britt is overreacting to one rose, but Britt explains she can’t marry a man who doesn’t see her as his only love. Carly thinks Britt is just talking a big game, and will flip flop before the Rose ceremony because, to be fair, Britt has flip flopped all season. Right on cue, Britt goes from saying nothing Chris says will be able to change her mind to “I don’t know nothing’s out of the realm of possibility.” Suffice to say, Britt again drives Carly crazy.
The only girl that has a rose is Kaitlyn, so everybody else is nervous. Britt’s nervous for all the wrong reasons. Britt insists she needs to tell Farmer Chris her desire to leave before the rose ceremony. It’s only fair, so she’ll tell him at the cocktail reception.
But silly, naive Britt, Chris Harrison doesn’t let you make a little thing called “plans.” He shows up tinging his glass all Chris Harrisony (I’m UrbanDictionarying that right now) to announce that, again they won’t be having a cocktail party. The producers are still trying to make up lost time from that waste of a “drunk Jordan wants to return” story-line.
Chris barely compliments the girls’ lovely evening wear before Britt asks him for a moment outside. Britt tried to bare her doubts to her friends, but the girls find her intentions dubious. Carly chortles, “She wants to be number one.” Kaitlyn adds, “She wants the validation that she should be here, or she wants the first word to get out.” Jade concludes, “She wants him to beg, and if not, she’ leaving him.”
Funny, but Britt didn’t start that she wanted any of those things, “I wanted to first apologize for the other night.” Britt apologizes for the group date disaster of pressuring Chris in front of Carly and Kaitlyn, and tries to reiterate what she wants.
Chris questions Britt’s honesty. Through his own observations and warnings from the other girls, he’s not sure Britt is genuine in her thoughts about Arlington or her thoughts about him. Hell, maybe she doesn’t even like hot air balloons!
Chris started the season as a giant pushover, but is growing a spine right before our eyes. “The way you reacted, and disrespected myself, and everybody around you,” Chris pushes through Britt’s interruptive “but” protests, “is not something that I want for a wife.” Chris escorts her out the door, the limo will follow shortly. So Britt sits on the curb and cries more dramatically than all Hollywood waitresses with a one-time TV chance did before her.
“I don’t feel bad for Britt at all. It’s fun to watch her squirm,” Carly relishes on long-awaited moment of Schaudenfreude. “Now the girl who’s the prettiest girl in the room, who gets everything that she wants, now knows what it’s like to be a normal person. How’s it feel?” Maybe it’s just lingering memories of Jade’s glass slipper ball date, but Carly sounds a lot like one of Cinderella’s ugly, evil sisters.
The last three roses go to Whitney, Becca, and finally Jade. So Karma… I’m sorry, Carly… is going home. How’s it feel?
First Hometown Date: Becca in Shreveport, Louisiana
Chris thinks he and Becca have an amazing chemistry, even though I think they have the chemistry of mixing Helium and Neon. You get it? They’re two noble gasses… ring a bell? They can’t chemically react? Whatever, I knew Bachelor fans weren’t my target demo for chemistry jokes.
Becca and Chris walk through the Shreveport backwoods in a date that can only be spiced up if it segues into a True Blood episode. Becca is nervous because, being a virgin, she’s never once brought a guy home to meet the family. If when I have a daughter, she brings her first guy home surrounded by television cameras, all I can do is hope those cameras aren’t the for local news.
Chris arrives at the house where he knows he’s going to be greeted by a very large family. The family is so large, everybody standing up to say “Hi” resembles a presidential standing ovation. At the dinner table, Becca’s sister calls attention to the thought on the family’s mind, “She’s never brought a guy home, so we were all wondering, ok, how natural is this going to be?” Becca responds, “I don’t know it feels weird.” I’m sure when considering marriage, Chris is relieved to hear Becca feels “weird” about him.
Becca’s sister takes Chris aside for a moment, and tells Chris how surprised she was that Chris had his hand on Becca’s knee. The tales of Becca’s fear of intimacy makes Chris wonder “whether or not Becca will ever be able to get to that point with me.”
Becca’s sister leaves to ask Becca how she plans to deal with her virginity on the eve of the Fantasy Suite. Becca believes the Fantasy Suite would be a special moment to tell Chris she’s chosen to wait to marriage, and if he doesn’t invite her overnight after the revelation it wasn’t meant to be. Smart move. Becca’s sister adds, “Even if you do decide to order room service and let’s, uh, you know, have a great night. Then obviously, this sugar donut is going to be the highlight of the evening.” Did she mean that as sexual? You can do a lot of things with a sugar donut. Go see Fifty Shades of Grey.
Chris bids farewell to all the family, but then pulls a strange move and tells Becca she is coming with him on a rented out ferris wheel ride in an otherwise closed carnival. Chris is clearly trying super hard to make Becca feel intimacy for once. They ride the ferris wheel and kiss, but the intimacy is still lacking says this expert. Farmer Chris should’ve given her a sugar donut.
Second Hometown Date: Whitney in Chicago, Illinois
Let me first say, I get mad when people claim to be in Chicago and then are in the suburbs of Chicago. Tsk tsk, posers. Whitney is clearly in Evanston, where cars can park on driveways instead of the street, houses have yards and cyclists can ride without constantly screeching “On your left!”
Since Whitney knows Chris’ sisters live in the city and he visits frequently, instead of showing Chris Chicago, Whitney will give a tour of her life. “So, let’s go make a baby!” Whitney exclaims.
She takes him to the hospital where she does her work as a fertility nurse, which she’s very passionate about. So Chris shouldn’t be surprised if the second they get married, Whitney tries to make an embryo before leaving the alter. Whitney explains the process to Chris which is a lot like the “birds and the bees” conversation, but with pinpoint accurate robotic arms.
Then things get weird. Whitney and a fellow nurse take Chris to the “specimen room” or “the man room” and explains how the sperm specimen collection process (aka “wanking off”) works. Look, Whitney, there may be two virgins on this show, but I’d guess Chris is familiar with this process.
Turns out it was all a fun prank and Whitney wasn’t actually going to make Chris test his sperm. Stay tuned for next week, though, when Whitney probably tries to sneak a test tube into the fantasy suite.
Chris, cognizant of Whitney’s parent situation, asks Whitney who he should ask for a blessing if he were to propose. Whitney tells him it will have to be her sister and is overwhelmed that Chris would even ask that. Between the Des Moines mural, testing to see if Chris can make babies, and Chris looking for blessing, if Whitney doesn’t win, I’m forever retiring my power rankings.
He arrives at the house for a cordial dinner and takes a moment to speak to Whitney’s Uncle John. John describes Whitney as “strong and vulnerable” which strikes a chord with Chris. That’s what he’s felt, but up to now, couldn’t yet describe.
Whitney exudes both her strength and vulnerability to her sister, Kimberly. Whitney is pleading with Kimberly to believe that she can be happy with Chris and give her blessing. Kimberly, though, refuses to do so unless Chris can guarantee Whitney is the only one for him, not the other four. Chris and Whitney decide they aren’t going to to worry about Kimberly’s blessing, because she’s not the boss of them.
Whitney then pulls out a fancy, expensive bottle of wine from a Napa winery and explains how she told herself that day that she was going to buy it, and split it one day with the man she was going to marry. Through very genuine tears, Whitney confesses, “I want to share it with you, because I really have these genuine these feelings that are just real and right, and I have absolutely fallen in love with you. Hundred percent.” They stop the crying through kisses and Chris sets his bourbon aside to drink some froo-froo Napa fancy-pants wine. That’s how you know Chris is hooked.
Third Hometown Date: Kaitlyn in Phoenix, Arizona
Honestly, I was bummed about this one. I’ve been waiting years for a Canada date, but Kaitlyn’s parents just had to be rich enough to afford Arizona summer homes and ruin my fantasy for a mounty and maple syrup-centric hometown. Chris comes to meet Kaitlyn in a dirty alley that’s right in line with their former Costco date.
Hidden in this alley, though, is a recording studio. Kaitlyn thought it was a huge turn on when Chris struggled through his performance in the country. Chris and Kaitlyn are going to write and record a rap song. Chris writes lyrics about love and an engagement ring that make Kaitlyn gush, even though he has zero understanding of syllable counts. He sounds bad, but don’t give up Chris. If 2Chainz and Macklemore can make it, anybody can.
Chris and Kaitlyn leave the recording studio where the producer is now probably smoking dope, listening to their recording and laughing at “that whack ass farm boy.” They arrive at the dinner where Kaitlyn’s parents, despite being divorced, get along well enough to be gracious, happy hosts. In a table of happiness, Kaitlyn is clearly sticking out as all of her family compliments how giddy she seems about him.
Kaitlyn’s mom tells Kaitlyn that she can see in Kaitlyn’s eyes that she loves Chris. Kaitlyn doesn’t seem scared at all by her feelings, but wants to completely let her guard down around Chris. So during her goodbye car ride with Chris, she makes Chris step out of the car backwards and close his eyes. Then he finally opens them to see a billboard that reads “Kaitlyn <3 Chris.” Chris can’t control his little schoolboy giggle. A swagged up Kaitlyn gets pumped from the successful reveal, shouts and jumps into Chris’ arms. “I was so confident turning him around and being like ‘This is how I feel.’ I had no fear. Like, it just feels so good.”
Fourth Hometown Date: Jade in Gering, Nebraska
Jade, as well all by now probably know (and if you’re a guy probably already Googled), posed for Playboy. So doom is apparent early on when Chris explains his perception of Jade, “Even though she lives in LA, I definitely feel like Jade is a small-town girl next door. She’s got those Midwest values. She could settle down in a small town.” Chris is clearly going to be surprised when he finds out the only time Jade was the “girl next door” was in that month’s magazine title.
Jade looks gorgeous and wears a smile even though she “kind of feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over me today.” If Carly and I could see the writing on the wall with Chris’ reaction to Jade’s nude modeling photos, I’m sure Jade knows how it will end deep down too. But, to Jade’s credit, it’s about that time where she tells Chris everything and tells him to “take it or leave it.”
Jade’s dad talks to Chris first, or should I say, knocks Chris off guard first. He asks if Chris is he’s following in love with “Jaden.” I thought the name Jade was pretty, but if it’s short for Will Smith’s son’s name, I have a lot of reflecting to do. The dad tells Chris that Jade has been “too much” for her past boyfriends and she needs a man who will let her “live free, but loved.”
“Talking to Jade’s dad, it seems like he’s hinting there’s still a side of Jade that I haven’t seen,” Chris ponders. He then takes his line of questioning to Jade’s brother, Zach, with very questionable facial hair. Zach tells Chris he isn’t sure his sister would be fine leaving behind her LA modeling for Arlington. He can’t see her settling down for a while, because “as long as I’ve known Jade, you know, she’s a wild mustang.”
Everything Chris knew about Jade to this point is that she was a sweet, demure, attractive, country girl that could be a farmer’s wife. Now, instead, he’s suddenly imagining wild mustang Jade galloping through his farm’s fields into the open prairie.
Jade’s dad tells his daughter his concerns. He wants Jade to find a guy that loves her purely for being her, secretive naked photos and all. “You just got to go with here *pat heart* and I will trust it,” Jade’s dad tells her, and they share an emotional embrace.
Jade knows she has to tell Chris everything and asks him to stick around “to have a little talk.” Nobody wants to go from date-mode to “let’s have a talk” mode. Chris helps Jade get started and tells Jade her brothers called her a “Wild Mustang” even though he doesn’t see the wild side.
So Jade grabs her laptop, goes online, and shows Chris her wild side. Chris acts as bashful as you can when a hot girl offers to show naked pictures of herself. So he graciously accepts with a fake “if that’s what makes you happy.” Then he spends the next several minutes drooling all over Jade’s home-row keys.
Chris reacts better than expected, “Don’t feel bad about that. I mean you are a beautiful woman. And that’s not something I feel is something that would affect our relationship. I know you for who you are, and I respect you.”
“After today, I do feel like I’m in love with him,” says an incredibly relieved Jade.
Every time we get this far, it’s time for a Chris Harrison pump up speech. But I feel like he’s slacking this season. He only manages a “How ya feeling?” and a “Ok, Good luck.” Maybe Chris Harrison isn’t the Love Expert I thought he was.
Whitney gets the first rose because, wake up, she’s going to win. You know how much structural damage you could do trying to power wash that mural clean? Kaitlyn gets the second rose because she spits hot fire. And Becca gets the third one because Chris is a boring dumb dumb.
So with Fantasy Suite week next week, Chris sent a sweetheart, smoking hot wild mustang who he’s seen naked for a robotic bore who’s mother has never seen her hold a hand. Never. Hold. A. Hand. Don’t they even have prom pictures in Shreveport? The Lord’s Prayer? Awkwardly long handshakes?
So long Jade, you wild mustang. There’s still plenty of guys that want to take you out.